


Ex Defenders of the Universe

by Juiliet



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: (its shallura), Angst, Anxiety, Bisexual Lance (Voltron), Comfort/Angst, Cuban Lance (Voltron), Depression, Dysphoria, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Female Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Fluff, Gay Keith (Voltron), Gay Matt Holt (Voltron), Implied Sexual Abuse, Irrational thoughts, Japanese Shiro (Voltron), Keith (Voltron) Has BPD, Korean Keith (Voltron), Lance (Voltron) Has ADHD, Lance (Voltron) Has PTSD, Lance has a Cuban last name, M/M, MDD is maladaptive daydreaming disorder, Nightmares, One-Sided Attraction, PINING KEITH, Panic Attacks, Pansexual Shiro (Voltron), Pidge has ADD, Pidge is trans but discovers it slowly over the course of the fic, Post War, Post War AU, Racing thoughts, Self Harm, Sexual Tension, Shiro (Voltron) Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Shiro has MDD, Slow Burn, Splitting, Texting, Trauma, Unrequited Love, also id like to say the first few chapters of this will be light, also im giving out coping skills for FREE in the notes so get them while they are hot, but the female pronouns may change as the story progresses, but then boy oh boy, hunk has anxiety, im using this to cope, in a way everyone is a little traumatized, oblivious lance, pining lance, so basically they are back on earth but everyone is fuCKED UP
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-09
Updated: 2017-05-31
Packaged: 2018-10-01 19:25:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 20,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10197758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Juiliet/pseuds/Juiliet
Summary: It's been nearly 3 months since the paladins of Voltron finally defeated Zarkon and returned home to Earth. The physical war is over, and they've won the battle, but unfortunately the road to mental recovery is a much harder one than they could have ever imagined.BONUS:pidgeotto: eat me hunkspunky boi: mmm nopidgeotto: ;)pidgeotto: i will tell lance real fast then lets discuss whats REALLY on the dinner menu tonightred panties: for the last time pidge we are not satisfying your vore fantasiespidgeotto: ;(





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> im writing this to cope with a lot of shit ok  
> each chapter will be demonstrating certain symptoms and coping strategies bc i know that coping skills are hard to find. i really hope that i not only help educate those about these illnesses, but that i also help those who have it cope and learn to recover.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im writing this to cope with a lot of shit ok  
> each chapter will be demonstrating certain symptoms and coping strategies bc i know that coping skills are hard to find. i really hope that i not only help educate those about these illnesses, but that i also help those who have it cope and learn to recover.  
> EDIT: this was tagged shallura, but then the more i thought about it the more i realized the shallura is one sided so it is no longer tagged shallura. -shrugs- also i knew nobody would read it bc discourse destroys everything we love. nothing is sacred. also dont worry, in this fic allura is like... 26-27... and it was planned out and posted before her age was revealed so i mean...

**Lance**

Lance couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think couldn’t feel. He was trapped in his own body, helpless to defend his friend from getting shot by Sendak. He desperately wanted to do something, but he couldn’t. It was as if somebody was holding his arms to his body. He writhed uselessly against them, but that only caused the injuries from the explosion to throb with unbearable pain. In slow motion he watched the Galra commander raise his arm and shoot Keith, laughing maniacally. That laughter rang through his mind as he screamed out.

 _“Keith!”_ Lance choked out, voice breaking with anguish. _“Keith, wake up!”_

Keith lay limp on the castle floor, unresponsive to Lance’s desperate pleas. Lance raked his eyes over him, searching for any sign of life, chest rising and falling, eyelashes fluttering, fingers twitching, but the only movement came from the slow, steady ooze of red liquid from his side. It pooled around the red paladin, nearly indistinguishable from the scarlet shaded armor, almost as if it was melting. But it wasn’t melting. That wasn’t red plastic. It was blood. _Keith’s blood._

Lance felt sick. His whole world listed to the side as the realization of what had just happened hit him like speeding comet. Keith was dead. He was dead and Sendak had killed him. Rage and fear and despair coursed through his veins at the same time. He couldn’t hear his thoughts, that was if he had any, over the pounding of his own heart.

 _“You monster!”_ He shrieked, feeling the tears rush down his cheeks.

 _“Monster? Me?”_ Sendak cackled, a scraping sound that made Lance flinch. Sendak sneered. _“The only monster here is you, dear Blue Paladin. If you hadn’t been so careless you would have never put your team into this much danger. You killed your precious Keef, not I.”_

Lance felt his world come crashing down as Sendak’s words hit him. He was right. Lance could have prevented this. He should have noticed Rover sooner, pulled Coran out of the way faster. If he hadn’t been taken out of commission none of this would have happened. He would have been able to protect Keith, to protect his team. But he’d failed. Like always, he’d failed. Sendak’s laughter echoed through his mind as his world went black.

 

“Lance!” A voice rang out to him, sounding far off, almost like an echo. Lance flailed violently, struggling against strong arms that pinned him down. His mind was still fogged with sleep, half in a dream, half in reality. He was gasping for air, his vision beginning to clear.

“Lance!” The voice called again and this time Lance recognized its owner. He blinked and found himself staring up into Keith’s face.

At the sight of that dark mullet and pale skin glowing silver in the moonlight the fight drained out of Lance. He went limp and felt Keith release him. But just because the fight had left him didn’t mean the panic had. The moment he was released he felt himself curl instinctively into a defensive ball and whimper. He wasn’t really controlling his own body at this point. He was an outsider, watching the events unfold from above. He squeezed his eyes shut tight and let out a sob that shook his entire body. The fear still felt so real to him, as if he were still in the castle, trying to defend the crystal from the Galra. Every thought that trickled into his mind felt raw, like he was scrapping something against a poorly healed wound. Everything throbbed with a dull ache, and not just his body. His mind ached, his heart ached, his very core seemed to ache. Fear. Everything was fear. _The battle never ends._

He felt fingers run their way gently down his spine. Their touch was soft, gentle, not wanting to put any more pressure on his overstimulated mind. Their touch was a gentle reminder that everything was okay, he was safe. Lance pressed a hand over his mouth to keep himself from hyperventilating and focused on the feeling of Keith’s fingers tracing the outline of his backbone. He concentrated on the size and feel. How many was he using? Two probably if he was judging from the size, probably his pointer and middle finger to be exact. He let himself be anchored back to Earth. His breathing began to slow into an even, steady pace. His mind buzzed, heart still frantic in his rib cage, but he was no longer full out panic, which was improvement to say the least.

He opened his eyes and stared ahead at the bookshelf in his room. The moonlight that filtered in from the window wasn’t enough to truly read the titles of the spines, but Lance didn’t need to read them to know what they said. He’d memorized them from all his time staring at the shelf, trying to fall asleep. There was a Garfield Fat Cat 3 Pack of comic, a scrapbook with _Space Memes_ scribbled over the spine, a few online schooling textbooks, some manga Pidge had let him borrow, and a guide to cooking for beginners. In the empty space beside the books was his DS. The charging light was on which meant he’d remembered to plug it in before passing out. Next to his DS was a bottle of something his psychologist had prescribed for sleep, but he didn’t like taking it. He was terrified of becoming addicted. He usually had to be coerced into taking it by Keith when things got really bad.

_I am in my apartment. I am safe. The Galra are gone. I am safe. My roommate is rubbing my back. He is not dead, Sendak did not kill him. I am safe. I am on Earth. I am safe. I am clutching my moose pillow pet Rodger. If I look over I’ll see my various posters. On my ceiling are glow in the dark stars that I just put up last week with Allura. I am in my room. I am not in the Castle. Sendak is not here. I am safe._

He repeated these words in his mind, trying to convince himself that everything was okay and that he truly was safe. He let out a shaky sigh. His limbs began to slowly unfurl from its tight ball. His tense muscles relaxed a bit, but he was still wary, still ready to spring into action at the slightest hint of danger.

“Everything okay?” Keith asked in a gentle voice. “You aren’t hurt are you?”

Lance shook his head, he small side to side shifting taking way more effort than it should. He still didn’t have complete control over his body.

“Just a nightmare then?”

Lance nodded briefly.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Keith whispered, the steady strokes of his fingers slowing a bit.

Lance felt himself reel at thought of telling Keith a single moment of his night visions. Keith could never know that Lance was having nightmares about him. Never ever ever. _Ever._ None of the paladins could. It’d just make them worry about him more and that was the last thing he needed. He’d caused them all enough problems as it was, especially Keith.

He shook his head.

“Do you want to do distractions? Or deep breathing?” Keith asked. He was trying to help Lance. Lance didn’t want his help. He wanted to be fine on his own. He didn’t want people going out of their way for him.

“No.” Lance breathed, finding his voice at last. He swallowed, hard. “No, thank you.”

Keith nodded and Lance felt his fingers retreat. The bed shifted as Keith stood up off of it. “I’ll go back to my room, if you need me…”

His voice trailed off as he began to walk away. Lance heard the door click shut. He held his head in his hands and bit back a groan. Lance had to be the worst roommate in the history of roommates. This was the second time this week he’d woken up Keith with his own screaming and though he knew Keith was more than happy to help Lance still felt incredibly guilty. He didn’t deserve to have Keith, his roommate and rival, rubbing his back when he woke up screaming. He shouldn’t even be screaming, shouldn’t even be having nightmares. His experience of their wild space misadventure hadn’t been nearly as bad as Shiro’s. Shiro had actually been a prisoner of the Galra Empire. Hunk’s experience hadn’t been all that great either. He’d already had anxiety heading into space. And then Pidge, with her missing brother and father. Then there was Keith, who’d always been in the center of the action, staring death in the face and usually telling it to kiss his ass. Everybody had a reason, or at least a better reason, to be waking up screaming. So why was Lance the one with nightmares like this?

After a few more minutes of lying awake he reached for his DS and powered it on. Pokemon Sun was still in the cartridge and he needed to complete the seemingly endless cut scenes. No better way to distract himself from his past than binge playing Pokemon.

**Pidge**

Pidge has barely slept a wink all night. Every time she closed her eyes she sees Zarkon’s ugly mug, or her brother and father in chains. It’s a side effect of staying in space and fighting evil aliens for such a long time. Actually it’s more a side effect of her therapist forcing her to go through some of the more painful memories during her last session, but if she’d never gotten in that damn Blue Lion she wouldn’t have these memories in the first place. But she also wouldn’t have her family back, or her amazing friends. She probably wouldn’t even be alive.

_“That’s it Pidge, focus on the good things!”_

Ugh, even when she’s not in her therapist’s office she can hear Annie’s dumb voice. She rolled over and slapped her pillow over her head as if that could possibly block it out. Normally she liked her therapist. Annie was really cool most of the time. For example she immediately made the switch from Katie to Pidge when Pidge asked her to. She also helped Pidge make different kind of stim toys. Annie had a sensory perception disorder and ran a business that made low cost slime and other stimming aides and taught Pidge how to make different kinds of slime and foam. Still, Pidge wasn’t exactly feeling the love for her therapist when her head was racing with horrible memories.

She pulled the pillow off her head with a sigh and stared up at the dark ceiling softly illuminated by her nightlight. She hadn’t been able to sleep in the dark since returning from space. Every time she tried the shadows played tricks on her war weary mind. They took the form of enemies long defeated and skittered around on the walls, only perceptible to the corner of her eyes. The moment she cast her glance towards them they’d freeze, as if they had known what they were doing was bad and did not wish to be caught and vanquished into nothingness by her lamp.

At first the feelings of panic these shadow imps gave her were enough to force her to sleep only in broad daylight. Her first few days back on Earth were spent in sleep deprived haze. She took frequent naps throughout the day, usually in her parent’s bed, which was always a place of comfort for her. At night she kept herself busy with new programming projects. It ended up taking nearly three weeks of intense therapy before she was able to sleep at night, and that was only if she had every light possible on in her room. Over time she began subtracting the lights, turning them off one at a time until she was left with only one solitary night light. She still saw the shadows, but they didn’t scare her as much, and they didn’t come as frequently as before, but on nights they refused to stay away she crawled into her brother’s bed and spent the rest of the night with him.

Tonight was turning out to be one of those nights. Shadows of Galra soldiers marched across her painted walls accompanied by legions of space monsters. She desperately wanted to crawl into her brother’s bed. Even if he remained fast asleep his presence reassured her. But she knew her brother had troubles of his own. He had his own nightly visions of his captors. She knew this even though he never breathed a word about it. The whimpers and cries he made at night wrote novels about his time with the Galra. She felt guilty for taking her troubles to his bed when she had so many of her own. She didn’t need to add to his problems, but she desperately needed to feel safe, or at least to be distracted.

Life had changed drastically for Pidge since returning home from space. Pidge was used to change. She’d experienced it after her brother and father had gone missing and again when she joined Voltron, but that change was nothing like this. The hallways of her youth felt like somebody else’s. It was like being at a friend’s home, where everything is familiar, but not your own. She felt a detachment to it in a way. It didn’t really feel like home to her anymore. There wasn’t anyone place that was home for Pidge anymore. This place of residence was just that, a place of residence. It was a place where she slept and ate and resided but it wasn’t home. Home, or the closest thing to it for her, was wherever the other paladins were. That was her home now.

Being in outer space had changed her. She’d been forced to mature much faster than she should have.She’d been robbed of her teenage years to defend the universe. She went so long without her parents that having them back now was so weird. She wasn’t used to asking about heading over to see a friend. In the castle everyone had been just down the hall, no permission required. It was so restrictive to her now that it frustrated her. She didn’t think she needed parents, and sometimes actively fought against their attempts to coddle her or care for her. She wasn’t a kid anymore and didn’t want to be treated like one. In many ways she was basically an adult.

She let out a sigh as she felt her phone buzz on the nightstand. She picked it up, shielding her eyes from the sudden blinding light of her notifications. Her lock screen was a picture of her brother holding her upside down at the beach. The picture had caught them both in mid laugh. It had been taken a few weeks after they returned to Earth, and her brother looked absolutely emaciated from his time with the Galra. His cheeks were hallow, hands shaky, and the outline of his ribs jutting out like a xylophone. His body was covered in scars from God knows what he went through, something horrible no doubt. But he was smiling, he was happy, just over joyed to be safe and with his family, and Pidge was too. 

Her phone buzzed a few more times, pressing her to stop reminiscing and find out what the hell was going on. She swiped up and entered in her passcode (6288) and clicked on her texts. 

**Christmas Colors Group chat**

red panties (Keith Kogane), pidgeotto (Pidge Gunderson), shiro labeouf (Takashi Shirogane), spunky boi (Hunk Garret), space mom (Allura Altea),

red panties: lance just woke up screaming again

spunky boi: did you do the finger thing I told you about?

red panties: yeah, i’ve been using it the past few weeks

red panties: it helps a lot

pidgeotto: ok but why was he screaming

red panties: wouldnt tell me anything except that it was a nightmare

red panties: which would be the second time this week

spunky boi: y i k e s

 

Pidge sighed and stared at the group chat. The Christmas Colors (Shiro: “I don’t think black, pink, or yellow are Christmas colors Keith.” Keith: “Shut the fuck up you’re not my dad.”group chat was started by Keith shortly after he became roommates with Lance. Originally Keith had called them together to find out how he could best help Lance with his panic attacks and overstimulation, which Pidge thought was super sweet of Keith. How many friends pulled together a group chat just to make sure they weren’t sending you into hysterics with one of their behaviors? Not many that she knew.

The chat wasn’t used very often now, but Lance remained to be at the center of its attention. Keith usually texted it when Lance was in crisis or he wanted to ask a question. Pidge knew that they probably shouldn’t have it, but didn’t really know how to bring it up. Besides, it wasn’t as if they were gossiping about Lance or anything.

 

spunky boi: sorry was that rude? Idk what else to say

pidgeotto: its okay hunk

pidgeotto: we get it

shiro labeouf: did you get him to take his meds keith

red panties: shit i forgot

red panties: i could go in there and force him???

shiro labeouf: leave it for now keith, but if he wakes up screaming again make him take them

pidgeotto: why doesnt he take his pills

spunky boi: uhhhh

spunky boi: he’s worried about addiction i think

red panties: ?????

red panties: taking one pill wont make him an addict

spunky boi: i know that and you know that and he knows that but

spunky boi: at the same time he also doesn’t process it i guess

spunky boi: anyways imma get some sleep

spunky boi: night

pidgeotto: night night you beautiful ray of sunshine

red panties: sweet dreams

shiro labeouf: get some rest

spunky boi: <33

red panties: i should probably get some sleep too actually

pidgeotto: whats this going to bed before 5 am you speak of

red panties: a foriegn concept but i do have a therapy session tomorrow

shiro labeouf: new cryptid: any of us getting a decent night of sleep

shiro labeouf: or taking therapy seriously

pidgeotto: too accurate i feel attacked

red panties: how about this

red panties: new cryptid: me, talking openly and honestly about my Radical Deep Space Adventure and how it has affected me to my therapist

shiro labeouf: keith

shiro labeouf: we talked about this

red panties: yeah

red panties: but its not like you tell morty everything

shiro labeouf: not true

red panties: then why is he asking me how you are doing

shiro labeouf: ok so maybe i don’t open up as much as i should

shiro labeouf: but it’s mostly because i find it hard to

shiro labeouf: i don’t think he could understand

pidgeotto: i can r e l a t e

pidgeotto: i love ann

pidgeotto: but i dont think she could ever really get what im saying

red panties: so we all need somebody who we can relate to more

pidgeotto: i agree

pidgeotto: but where the fukc are we going to find anybody else whos fought in a space war

pidgeotto: its literally just us 7

shiro labeouf: 9 if you count matt and mr. holt

pidgeotto: yeah

red panties: then why dont we relate to eachother

red panties: like

red panties: group therapy???

shiro labeouf: yeah but none of us are therapists keith

space mom: sure, none of us could help the other diagnose anything,

space mom: but we could discuss our experiences and identify new coping mechanisms based on what has work for others.

5space mom: it was a very important part of helping soldiers who had returned from war learn to cope with their memories and reintegrate back into society

5 pidgeotto: what the fuck allura how long have you been watching us type without saying anything

5space mom: since keith first sent the message about lance

5red panties: did i wake you up

space mom: yes

shiro labeouf: sorry to disturb you princess

shiro labeouf: maybe we should all head to bed

 

**red panties >>>pidgeotto**

red panties: ‘sorry to disturb you princess’ hes so formal with her

pidgeotto: ohmygod just FUCK already

 

**Christmas Colors Group Chat**

space mom: no no, do not worry about me

space mom: besides, i think this is a good idea

space mom: we could all meet at my apartment

space mom: i know everybody who has therapy is finished by 3, we could get dinner!

red panties: awesome

pidgeotto: ah yes

pidgeotto: we can all sit around the campfire and reminisce about almost dying a million times!!

pidgeotto: just how i want to spend my saturday afternoon

red panties: pidge

pidgeotto: what

red panties: ill bring you some of my x-files cds if you attend

pidgeotto: the x-files

pidgeotto: my only weakness

 

**red panties >>>pidgeotto**

red panties: bicth last week you agreed to go into sephora with lance in exchange for half of a cookie the x-files aint your only weakness

pidgeotto: have you ever considered that maybe i was doing it out of the kindness of my own heart

red panties: ‘ **pidgeotto said at 12:47 pm: i will never set forth into a sephora or support anything as vile as the makeup industry as long as mothman has breath** ’

red panties: ‘ **pidgeotto said at 12:49 pm: nvm lance is giving me half of his cookie to come with him** ’

pidgeotto: eat my ass keith

 

**Christmas Colors Group Chat**

shiro labeouf: to be honest i don’t know if this will work

shiro labeouf: i mean group therapy is supposedly really effective but

shiro labeouf: i don’t think it should be led by a bunch of traumatized teens

red panties: we arent just a bunch of traumatized teens though

red panties: were a bunch of traumatized teens, one traumatized adult, and two traumatized aliens

red panties: so i mean?

red panties: besides how many groups for ex defenders of the universe are you going to find at your local inpatient center

space mom: well why wouldn’t it work?

space mom: it’s been very effective for Alteans

red panties: exactly

pidgeotto: whatever ill come and ill drag lance along with me

red panties: uh i can pick up hunk??

red panties: he still cant drive without feeling anxious poor guy

space mom: perhaps it is a fear we can resolve in group therapy!

pidgeotto: ITS 4:20 AM BLAZE IT

red panties: AYOOOOOOOOOOOO

shiro labeouf: i can’t believe the paladins of voltron are actually stoners

red panties: more like the paladins of dat ass

pidgeotto: mmm the blade of malmora suit now that was a fine moment for all booty kind

space mom: i’m sure it was for lance as well, as i recall he was staring quite a lot

red panties: what the fuck???

pidgeotto: just appreciating the booty- i mean beauty im sure

red panties why are you guys like this

shiro labeouf: ok enough about keith’s voluptuous behind

shiro labeouf: and yes i googled that word

red panties: thats it im going to bed you all can suck my ass

pidgeotto: id be honored to suck dat ass

red panties: BYE

space mom: see you all at tomorrow! <3

shiro labeouf: good night kiddos get some sleep

pidgeotto: gnight shiro labeouf

 

When Pidge was finally released from the clutches of therapy Lance was already waiting for her out in the lobby. He was lounging out on one of the plush couches, feet resting on the arm rest. He seemed to to be completely absorbed in his DS, but perhaps not because as she walked in he looked up.

“Ready to go loser?” He asked, flipping shut his DS and sitting up. He froze for a moment. “Geez, you need a haircut.”

She frowned and tossed her brown hair, now falling down to the middle of her back, over her shoulder. She hadn’t cut it once since returning home. At first she said it was because she didn’t have the time, but when she did have the time she always made excuses to get out of it. She actually liked her long hair. It helped her separate space warrior Pidge and the real Pidge when she looked in the mirror. It also had become a security blanket it a way. When she felt nervous or self conscious she could wrap herself up in her hair and hide away from the world and all its questions.

“Shut up mom.” She grumbled, tugging on a lock of her hair. “It’s not like you’ve never seen me with long hair before. We’re around each other like every day.”

“Yeah but you’ve always had it pulled up when you’re out and about.” He said shrugging as he walked towards the door. He opened the door for Pidge, who merely scowled and opened up the opposite door for herself and walked past him. “It’s just odd not seeing you in glasses and short hair. And don’t even get me started on the dress. Where did that come from?”

Pidge shielded her eyes from the sun and glanced down. To be honest she didn’t know where the dress had come from either. It was just a regular green sundress, which wasn’t unusual, but it was on Pidge’s body, which was unusual. Today she’d just woken up and pulled it over her head without another thought. She blamed it on the intense therapy from the previous session, but that wasn’t really what was going on. She’d nearly cringed that morning when she’d been greeted as Pidge, like it wasn’t her name. Her name was Katie.

“Let’s just get to Allura’s.” Pidge said, pushing the topic away from her recent wardrobe change and sudden desire to be called Katie again. She opened the door to Lance’s blue car, and slid inside strapping herself into the passenger seat. Lance slid into the driver’s seat and turned on the engine, which wheezed to life. He checked all the mirrors before blowing himself a kiss (ew) and pulling out of the parking lot.

Lance’s car was an old blue Subaru. It had been his mom’s previously and still bore the markings of having contained Lance’s ginormous cuban family. There were a few odd stains that looked like juice, glitter scattered through the back seat, and weird children’s CD’s in the glove box. It kind of smelled like that weird other family car smell. Like mashed up graham crackers left out in the sun, but the bland generic brand kind. But Pidge was used to the smell by now, and she was just grateful Lance had a car and was willing to help shuttle her to therapy. Plus it had an aux cord which Pidge practically owned at this point. When she’d first tried plugging her phone in Lance had thrown a huge hissy fit, but after discovering they both shared similar tastes in music (excluding Pidge’s odd love of C418, death metal, and meme remixes, though Lance could occasionally get behind the last one) he grudgingly let her use it with little to no argument.

“Why are we heading to Allura’s?” He asked as they merged onto the highway. His blue eyes darted from mirror to mirror at a near rapid pace. That was one of the good things about Lance’s ADHD. He could focus on literally everything at once without missing a beat. It actually made him a superb driver and, okay though she’d never dare let his ego have the boost, pilot too.

“Dinner,” She said simply, scrolling through her snapchat feed. Hunk and Keith had been playing Pokemon Go in the park today. Damn, if she hadn’t had therapy she could’ve gone, but it wasn’t like she could change the dates of her appointments.

After returning from space the paladins were put on an intensive mental health recovery plan. First there were the initial assessments for their mental health, which was abysmal. After all, who fights an intergalactic war and comes out neurotypical? Nobody. So they were assessed, diagnosed, and then assigned treatment accordingly. At first everybody was going twice a week and they all carpooled together. But as life began to pick up and they began to recover the frequency of their sessions decreased, and appointments had to be adjusted accordingly. Except for Shiro and Lance, who both went twice a week, nobody was going more than once a week. Hunk and Coran were down to once every other week. Pidge always went with Lance on Saturdays, Shiro and Allura went on Mondays, Keith, Lance and Shiro went on Wednesdays, and Coran and Hunk went every other friday.

“When did she announce we were having dinner…?” He said reaching for his phone. Pidge smacked his hand away. “Hey! What the hell?”

Okay, so Lance could pay attention to many things at once, but Pidge drew the line at texting and driving.

“No texting!” She scowled. “She sent it out like 5 minutes ago? Calm down.”

 

**Christmas Colors Group Chat**

pidgeotto: allura send out a text in the main group about dinner

space mom: ???

pidgeotto: just do it

space mom: ok

 

**ex defenders of the universe (i prefer the term retired but whatever)**

pidgeotto (Pidge Gunderson), spunky boi (Hunk Garrett), shiro labeouf (Takashi Shirogane), space mom (Allura Altea), red panties (Keith Kogane), lastime (Lance Espinosa)

space mom: oh yeah you guys can come over to my place for dinner

space mom: shiro is helping me make tacos!!

spunky boi: really?? awesome!!

pidgeotto: domestic love

shiro labeouf: stuff a sock in it pidge we’re just friends

red panties: you say that but you have a heart next to her contact

shiro labeouf: hearts can be platonic oh my god

spunky boi: what kind of heart is it keith

red panties: the heart with the stars

pidgeotto: ooo

spunky boi: he crushin’ bad

space mom: crushing?

shiro labeouf: oh my god stoppp it now

shiro labeouf: as your leader i command you all to cease and desist at once

pidgeotto: you can only use that leader shit in space lmao bye

 

Lance’s phone buzzed with Allura’s message and he reached for it but Pidge once again smacked his hand away. He grumbled ‘oh my god you’re so rude’ but kept his focus on the road. Thank the universe for small blessings. She knew Lance would feel left out and hurt if he suspected the others had planned this without him. Well, they had planned this without him, but he didn’t need to know that.

 

**Ex defenders of the universe (i prefer the term retired but whatever)**

shiro labeouf: ok so change of plans

shiro labeouf: allura has literally no food to make tacos with

shiro labeouf: or pans

space mom: what the quiznak is a pan

pidgeotto: me and lance are in the car we can get some stuff

spunky boi: *lance and i

pidgeotto: eat me hunk

spunky boi: mmm no

pidgeotto: ;)

pidgeotto: i will tell lance real fast then lets discuss whats REALLY on the dinner menu tonight

red panties: for the last time pidge we are not satisfying your vore fantasies

pidgeotto: ;(

 

“Okay so here’s the thing,” Pidge said, setting down her phone. “Allura still doesn’t have kitchenware, or food, so we’re going to have to stop somewhere and pick some up. Is that okay?”

“Yeah,” Lance said signaling he was going to get off at the exit ahead. “What is she making? Or trying to make. Doesn’t Coran usually cook for her?”

“I mean, yeah, he does.” She said, leaning back in the seat. “But he left last week for that international meeting thing to discuss the fate of the universe now that Zarkon is defeated. She doesn’t really know how to cook for herself I guess. Oh, and we’re having tacos.”

“Tacos? Hell yeah!” Lance grinned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lance is demonstrating a few key ptsd characteristics. the first is guilt and the feeling that their trauma was not bad enough to warrant the diagnosis. lance's thinks he's a burden and doesn't want to feel like he's making keith go out of his way for him.  
> also, pidge is dissociating, or losing touch with self and reality. she doesn't recognize herself or her own body in the mirror. she doesnt actually view her life from her eyes. its almost like watching a movie of your own life. pidge also demonstrates loss of identity and with the shadows its paranoia.  
> the techniques used for lance are grounding and self reassurance. these are two excellent techniques for panic attacks and crisis. grounding focuses the panicking person's attention on something else to get their mind off of whatever is making them panic. focus on the five senses, touch, scent, sight, sound, smell. lance in the story is using keith's fingers as a grounding technique 'anchoring' him back to earth. he focused on the size, the pressure, the pattern. lance also went through a series of self reassuring statements such as 'i am safe'. these help to remind a panicking person that what they are afraid of cannot hurt them. lance also later uses distraction and keith offers for deep breathing but he doesn't use it. dont be like lance. get your daily dose of oxygen in kids. deep breathing helps calm down that flight or fight response and lowers your heart rate to soemthing less than terrified hamster.  
> pidge demonstrates stimming!! stimming and fidgets are a great way to reduce anxiety and improve focus especially if you have ADHD, ADD, Autism, etc. i highly recommend the fidget toys by Oak-A-Feel because they are low cost and really nice to have. pls go check them out!!  
> okay i think that covers our mental health issues. one last thing, C418 is the composer for minecraft and if you give me shit about it you can personally go suck my ass. C418's music is video game styles music which helps improve focus and memory and it's just really soothing?? you dont have to listen to the mc soundtrack he's got a couple albums out there non-minecraft related that are pretty sick man.  
> like what you read? send me an anon @ilovechickensofttacos on tumblr. or you can be a real pal and send my fic to your friends. i'd really appreciate that?? OR you can make my day and leave a comment. even if its just 'sick fic man' or 'subscribed' those make my day okay?? please give me feedback if you have any of the illnesses listed above or want to suggest a coping mechanism.  
> stay safe, stay strong, stay rad


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> are you ready to be space vored mother quiznaks - pidge at some point

**Shiro**

“Shiro?” Allura’s voice broke Shiro’s concentration. He realized he’d been staring out the window for nearly five minutes as Allura rattled on about something, completely immersed in his own world. He cleared his throat and straightened up. ”Shiro, you okay?”

“Aha, sorry princess,” He said nervously, feeling heat creep up into his cheeks. Mentally he chastised himself. He’d done it again, gotten lost in another day dream when he was supposed to be listening to somebody. Shit. He just hoped Allura didn’t take it personally. “Just spaced out there for a second.”

She broke into a slow grin. “Oh I get it! Spaced out, space!”

He blinked in confusion, but then laughed awkwardly. She must have been talking about space, probably about whatever news Coran had sent back. And he’d missed his chance to find out what it was, damnit. It’d be inconsiderate to ask again. He’d just have to wait and hope one of the other paladins brought it up and be sure to pay attention this time.

They were sitting at Allura’s kitchen table, waiting for Keith and Hunk to return with beanbags and for Lance to return with Pidge and the items necessary to make tacos. They’d already cleaned up the apartment, but that hadn’t exactly taken long. Allura was a self proclaimed neat freak who couldn’t concentrate in a cluttered space. The apartment was always tidy. You could practically eat off the floor, which Lance had once. It also smelled pleasantly like lavender, but Shiro had never been able to find the source of the smell. He knew it wasn’t a candle because Allura was terrified of burning her fingers on matches, and he knew it wasn’t a sprayed scent because those made Coran sneeze uncontrollably. He sometimes wondered if it was a perfume, but on the night he’d slept over and had looked in her bathroom he saw she didn’t own a single bottle of perfume. But the scent seemed to surround Allura, enveloping her presence. It took Shiro a while to realize that it was emanating from her.

“Where are Keith and Lance?” Allura sighed, glancing up at the clock. “I assume they’re driving, at least I hope they are.”

“Me too,” Shiro chuckled, taking a sip of his iced tea. “I don’t think Pidge could handle driving yet and by that I mean she’s not ready to handle the power of driving.”

Allura laughed, a joyous sound that seemed to fill the room. Shiro felt something soar up in his chest. He felt like there were days when he lived purely to hear the sound of Allura laughter. Not that he had a crush on her or anything, he just liked to see her happy, and she deserved to be happy. She’d helped them defeat Zarkon, blasting ships out of the way and keeping the castle running. She’d often been a part of the brains behind their missions, and had often been the one to smooth things over in peace treaties when one of the paladins slipped up and accidentally offended somebody, which was far more often then it should have been. (Who would’ve known aliens would think sneezing was offensive?) She’d lost so much and had fought so hard to defend others from suffering the same fate. If anybody had earned a chance at joy it was Allura.

“You mean,” She said through soft giggles. “You would entrust her with a robotic space cat that is part of the most powerful weapon in the universe, but not a car?”

Allura covered her mouth with her hand, as if embarrassed to be seen laughing. It was a cute, shy gesture to Shiro, though to him everything about Allura of Altea was cute. He liked her dimples, her dark skin, her white hair. He got lost in her eyes and her smile, and the way the corners of her eyes crinkled and her nose scrunched up when she laughed.

“Well,” He said, absent-mindedly drawing patterns in the condensation on the table. “You don’t need a license to fly a psychic robotic space cat. Plus there are fewer people to run over in deep space than there are here on Earth.”

“I guess you have a point there,” She said, getting to her feet as somebody knocked at the door. Shiro chuckled and set their drained iced tea glasses in the sink. He poured out what little remained, and washed them out. Then he went to join Allura in the living room where the voices of the other paladins carried into the kitchen.

“We got your bean bags!” Hunk announced proudly, hefting up a large, squashy object and gesturing to the ones in Keith’s hand. “We ended up stealing Lance’s too, but I don’t think he will mind. Oh, and uh, we brought some blankets too.”

“Hey!” Lance protested, narrowing his eyes at the blue bean bag in Keith’s hand. “What are you doing with my bean bag!”

“Uh, holding it?” Keith replied, raising his eyebrows. He dropped the bean bags on the floor and flopped onto them, letting out a groan. “Didn’t think carrying bean bags up the stairs would be so tiring.”

“You took the stairs? We took the elevator.” Pidge asked with a grin, flopping herself down on a couch and letting her skirts fan out around her. “Peasants.”

Shiro had to do a double take when saw Pidge in a dress. At first he wasn’t even sure if it was Pidge. Her hair wasn’t braided back or pulled up, which revealed it’s shocking length. The dress wasn’t anything special, just an everyday knit number in a soft green, but the fact that PIdge was wearing it made it seem… weird. Not that it was a bad weird, just a different weird. This was probably the first time he’d seen Pidge being feminine.

“Get off my bean bag!” Lance howled grabbing Keith’s feet and tried to yank him off of his blue. Keith let out a frightened hissing sound. “You’re going to rip a hole in it with those monster claws of yours!”

“Let go of me!” He snapped, trying to kick at Lance while clawing at the bean bag for support. Purple began to dot at his hands. “And if I wasn’t before I will now becomes here comes the Galra!”

Lance yelped and dropped Keith’s feet. In the process he’d managed to tug free one of his rainbow Vans which fell to the floor with a _clunk._ Keith let out a growl and got to his feet, dusting himself off and grumbling about how maybe if Lance had just asked nicely, he would have been more inclined to move and wouldn’t have turned Galra on them. Lance fussed over his precious bean bag, checking for any tears or nicks made by Keith’s claws.

Shiro sat down on the arm chair, listening to Keith and Lance bicker over their recent scuffle.

“Well if you don’t like my Galra form you shouldn’t have pissed me off!” Keith growled, folding his arms over his chest defensively. By now the purple was splotched across his chest and hands, but it seemed to be slowing.

“It’s not that I don’t _like_ your Galra form,” Lance retorted. “It’s that I don’t like your Galra claws ruining my bean bag mullet!”

“So you’re saying you like my Galra form?” Keith asked, a sly grin spreading across his face. “Wow Lance, I didn’t know you were into that.”

“Lance is a furry!” Pidge screeched, with a laugh and Lance turned bright red, sputtering out a protest.

During their Radical Deep Space Adventure™ Keith had made the discovery that he was (somehow) part Galra. It ended up explaining a lot, such as why Keith was an orphan and the real reason he’d been booted from the Garrison, but it had brought on a new host of problems for the team. For example it had taken months of hard work for Keith to learn how to control his Galra form. Sometimes he’d look like just regular Keith, and other days he’d be full on Galra, glowing eyes, purple skin, bat ears, the works. They’d had to reschedule peace meetings because of it. It wouldn’t look right if a Galra showed up on a planet that had been ravaged by Zarkon. It wasn’t just for the sake of alliances though, it was for Keith’s own safety too. One time they’d tried forging an alliance with a species that had somehow been able to tell Keith was part Galra despite little to no outside signs of his heritage. They’d all mobbed Keith, trying to take out centuries of pain and enslavement on the paladin. Keith had ended up breaking his wrist and had to spend the rest of their visit in a healing pod.

Then there was the biological and psychological changes that couldn’t be physically seen. For example the dramatic shifts in appetite. Some days Keith couldn’t get enough space goo, and on others he wouldn’t even touch it, just stare at his plate menacingly. His sleep schedule went completely out of whack as well. He’d either be up before anyone else, or way after Lance, which was certainly saying something. He flipped from withdrawn and isolated to affectionate and huggable at the drop of a hat. Keith had always been the victim of horrible mood swings, but the reactivated Galra genes made it that much worse. Allura and Coran had run a few tests, and had determined that Keith was essentially going through the Galra equivalent of puberty at a more rapid rate because his body had only just taken on its Galra form. Fortunately things did begin to calm down after a while. The mood swings diminished and the boy got on a more or less normal sleeping schedule.

Through it all though, Lance stuck with Keith. Whenever Keith was being moody or isolating from the rest of the team Lance was usually the one who volunteered to check up on him. Lance, despite his usual impulsiveness, was endlessly patient with Keith, sitting for hours outside of Keith’s room, talking to him through the door until Keith finally either let him in or came out. When Keith caught some sort of Galra specific space flu Lance kept him company by playing the folk guitar some aliens had made for him, making up weird card games, or just talking to him. And though Keith never really spoke it out loud, Shiro knew he was grateful for it. He and Lance fought over a lot of pointless stuff, but when it came down to it they really did make an excellent team.

Come to think of it Lance had been a big help to everyone in space. He’d seen everybody at their worst. Hunk’s anxiety attacks, Shiro’s inability to stay in reality, Keith’s purple skin, all of it, and he helped where he could. For example when Pidge broke down crying over her brother, Lance stole her glasses and tried to imitate Matt with a chemistry joke.

“He’s an astrophysicist!” She had laughed, still wiping the tears off of her cheeks and trying to snatch her glasses out of Lance’s hand. “Not a chemist!”

“Okay I knew that,” Lance grinned, holding them above his head, and out of her reach. “But how many good physics puns are there? The only one I can think of is about fig Newtons, which is pretty weak in my opinion so you’re just gonna have to deal.”

Lance did more than the others gave him credit for, that was for sure, and he rarely complained about it either. Lance was known as the king of complaining usually, but when it came to helping his friends he never breathed a peep that he felt inconvenienced in any way.

“Why did you even bring my bean bag?” Lance asked once he’d made sure his bean bag was safe. He flicked one of Keith’s newly formed Galra ears that sprouted up out of his messy raven hair. Keith scowled and swatted Lance’s hand away with a tiny snarl, revealing pointy teeth.

“We brought them because Shiro asked us too.” Hunk answered Lance’s previous question with a little shrug. He took the Walmart bag of taco supplies from Pidge and making his way to the kitchen. “Anyways, I’m going to help Allura make tacos! Hasta pasta brastas!”

“And sistahs!” Pidge called after him. Hunk waved her away.

“I thought we were having tacos?” Keith said, tilting his head in confusion.

Lance groaned and buried his face in his hands. “Oh my God Keith. It’s an expression. Do you even try to keep up with modern times?”

Keith rolled his eyes and flicked Lance’s forehead with one of his fingers that had been spared the Galra transformation. Lance let out a yelp.

“You could have cut me!” He complained, rubbing his forehead and glaring at Keith.

“But I didn’t.” Keith shot back. “Don’t be such a baby. How was therapy?”

“Uh, it was fine,” Lance mumbled. “We talked.”

“About?” Keith pressed, looking at Lance questioningly.

“Stuff,” Lance said evasively, his blue eyes shifting guiltily away from Keith’s.

“Stuff like?” Keith prompted, a purple eyebrow rising up his forehead. “Did you tell your therapist about your recent increased occurrence of nightmares?”

“It’s not an increase!” Lance protested. “I’m fine, Morty doesn’t need to know that.”

All the guys saw the same therapist, Morty.

“It’s definitely an increase.” Keith said matter of factly. “I would be the one to know, my room is right across from yours!”

“So Shiro,” Pidge said, obviously growing bored of the red-blue nightmare discourse. “What have you been up to today? Your snapchat has been eerily quiet.”

“I’ve been here most of the day helping Allura with planning her next lecture.” SHiro said before he could stop himself. As soon as the words left his lips he regretted ever opening his mouth in the first place. Pidge pulled on her shit-eating grin.

“Her next lecture?” She asked, raising her eyebrows. “And what is this lecture on?”

“It’s going to be on the similarities between Altean and human reproduction!” Allura answered helpfully from the kitchen (much to Pidge’s delight). Shiro hid his burning face in his hands and let out a groan. Allura had become a professor of alien life at the Garrison shortly after coming to Earth. She was also providing a wealth of knowledge for Earth scientists on alien biology and customs. Currently she was in the middle of her Altean unit and had asked Shiro to, er, assist.

“Is that so?” Pidge asked, her eyebrows disappearing under her brown bangs. “And just what were you helping her on? Information? I’m sure you had quite the wealth of knowledge there. Or perhaps you opted for a d-.”

“Okay,” Shiro said, cutting Pidge off. “That’s enough.”

“Is it though?” Pidge asked with a snicker, glancing at her phone.

“Yes.” Shiro said firmly, using his best Space Dad voice. “It is.”

“Mmm, debatable,” Pidge said, tapping out a text. “Matt wants to know if he can mooch dinner off of Allura and participate in tonight’s meeting from Hell.”

“I don’t see why not,” Allura called from the kitchen. “He would benefit from it as well as we would!”

From the bean bags a fight had broken out between Lance and Keith over Keith’s hair. This was a pretty common topic for Lance to poke at. He was always trying to get Keith to let him cut it or at least condition it. It would usually start out as just some verbal banter but then turn into a wrestling match as Lance tried to demonstrate what exactly he wanted to do. It wasn’t any serious physical fighting, more like kittens at play than anything.

At the words ‘Meeting from Hell’ Lance stopped trying to pin Keith down and looked over at Pidge.

“‘Meeting from Hell’?” He asked, raising an eyebrow then let out a yelp as Keith used Lance’s lapse in focus to tackle him to the ground.

“Yep,” Pidge said, not looking up from her phone. “It’s an intervention for your obsession with Josh Dun’s left nipple. It’s practically tearing this family apart.”

“How did you even- Keith! Don’t pull my- OW- STOP PULLING MY HAIR!” Lance squealed, slapping Keith away. “How did you find that side blog?”

Pidge burst out laughing, nearly falling off the couch. “I didn’t! I just took a wild guess! Oh man, wait until Matt hears this!”

Keith was sitting on Lance, pressing his arm into his back. Lance struggled and kicked in vain beneath him.

“Pidge!” He whined  desperately for help.

“Shiro,” Pidge responded lazily, propping her foot up on the arm rest.

“Allura,” Shiro called out.

“Keith,” Allura said in a warning tone.

Keith grumbled and got off of Lance, Galra ears flicking angrily.

* * *

 

**Hunk**

“Okay well, that works too.” Hunk said as he watched Allura try to cut up some of the veggies. She was cutting the pieces unevenly and with a butter knife. It wasn’t really working out all that well but Hunk reeeeally didn’t want to upset her by pointing that out to her. It wasn’t like the princess ever had a history of getting upset when criticized but Hunk didn’t want to take that chance. “You know what, why don’t you, uh… set the table! I’ll take over the chopping.”

“Oh thank goodness,” She said setting the knife down. “I may have looked like I knew what I was doing but to be honest that whole knife concept just is not as effective as you promised it would be. Back on Altea our food was very different. No pans or weird instruments required. Really I cannot fathom how you humans stand it.”

“Haha, yeah.” Hunk laughed nervously, trying to place the butter knife as inconspicuously as possible in the sink. Then he reached in the drawer and pulled out a cutting knife and began to chop the veggies into neater more uniform slices. He then pushed them into a bowl to add to the meat browning on the stove. Hunk liked cooking. It was calming to him because it never launched weird surprises like suddenly being the universe’s only hope of survival on him. With cooking you followed a recipe and got exactly, or usually exactly, what that recipe was for. He liked that and wished his life was more like that. If he wanted to make some chocolate chip muffins he had all the ingredients and resources right there, but if he wanted to drive a car or go back to school it was a different story. All the ingredient were right there in front of him, but no matter what he tried he just… couldn’t do it.

Hunk took a deep breath and pushed it out of his mind. _Just focus on the kitchen Hunk. You like Allura’s kitchen._

But his thoughts wouldn’t leave. They stuck to the back of his mind like grimy fingerprints. No matter what he did. The best he could do was refocus his primary attention on something else.

Allura’s kitchen was aesthetically pleasing to Hunk. The walls were painted a gentle white, not hospital white or immaculate conception white, but a nice eggshell. The table had a base with a bouquet of fresh lilies. The kitchen chairs had comfy seat cushions with roses printed on them. The kitchen was neat and orderly, with the cabinets labeled in Coran’s calligraphy like script. Each label had two lines, one for Altean and the other for english. Though they were aliens, Allura and Coran had decided to integrate themselves into human culture as much as they could which meant learning their language, customs, and government. It wasn’t exactly easy, but they were certainly giving it their all.

“I finished setting the table!” Allura announced proudly, gesturing to the seven places neatly laid out on the table. “Does that look right?”

Hunk glanced it over, doing a quick glance. Everything seemed to be in the right place. “Yeah, looks perfect Allura!”

Allura beamed. “Is there anything else I can help with?”

“Uhh,” Hunk glanced around, trying to find a task for Allura. “Can you grate the cheese for me? It’d be a great help.”

“Of course Hunk,” She smiled taking out the cheese grater and a bowl. Hunk glanced over every now and then to make sure she wasn’t accidentally shredding her own finger.

There was a commotion from the living room as the door opened, jingling the bells that were sewn onto the banner than hung from the door. There was a loud cry of welcome. Hunk poked his head out the door to see Matt hobbling in on his forearm crutches.

When Matt had been rescued from the Galra prison camp, he was so starved he could barely stand. Even an entire week in a cryopod hadn’t done much to return his strength. Whatever the Galra had done to him robbed him of his muscle mass and made it nearly impossible to regain what he’d lost. Months of intense rehabilitation had given him some mobility, but he was still a long way off from where he needed to be. He could stand on his own for a few minutes and walk if it was just a few yards, but it always exhausted him. Matt didn’t let this set him back too far though. Shortly after returning to Earth he switched his focus from astrophysics to medical robotics, applying what he’d learned from working under the Galra to his new field of work. He was currently interning at some big robotics company while completing his college courses.

“Smells good in there!” Lance called from the living room. “How long until taco time?”

“Just a few more minutes!” Hunk replied, adding the veggies to the meat. They landed in the pan with a satisfying hiss. “You guys can come in and sit down though.”

The paladins came wandering in, claiming seats and filling the kitchen with the quiet buzz of conversation. There was the sound of chairs scraping against the kitchen floor as they were pulled out. Shiro sat next to Allura, like usual. Hunk watched Lance and Keith both place a hand on the seat at the head of the table. Their eyes traveled up the other’s arm. There was a silent staring contest, each willing the other to yield the seat to them. Their wordless feud was settled when Matt Holt slipped into the chair assisted by Pidge.

“Thanks for pulling out my chair for me boys,” Matt said with his signature sweet smile. Pidge snickered, pulling up a chair next to her brother. Lance and Keith mumbled a hasty ‘You’re welcome’ before sitting down in two seats next to each other. Hunk heard Allura chuckle and couldn’t help but smirk as he brought over the pan of taco meat and set it down on the table.

Without further ado the group began to chow down.  Hands reached for different toppings and the conversation was warm and joyful, like a family meal. Shiro and Allura joked a bit about something that had happened that nobody was there for. Hunk talked about how he’d finished his online GED course and was going to try heading for college in the fall. Lance got facetimed by his little sister and proudly bragged about how Sophia was the only girl in her preschool that could count to one hundred, which she gladly demonstrated. Matt rambled on about a new robotic prosthesis that had just completed its trials with the FDA and would be commercially available for use soon. Shiro seemed interested in that topic of conversation as he still had his Galra prosthesis, a constant reminder of what had been taken from him. This new invention could allow him to get rid of it for good. He ended up asking for the company’s number to find out more information.

“Alright guys, who wants soft shells and who wants hard?” Hunk asked brandishing a few bags of taco shells when they ran out of shells. “We have, uh, regular for both… nacho cheese for hards shell… and spicy dorito? Lance, why the quiznak did you buy spicy dorito hard taco shells?”

“For the ~aesthetic~,” Lance grinned, making grabby hands for one of the powdered covered hard shells. Hunk sighed and handed him some. “Also because they were half off.”

“Ah, so thrift over authenticity,” Hunk rolled his eyes, snickering a bit and taking his seat.

“Hey, this isn’t authentic anyways,” Lance pointed out, loading up a shell with meat. “Why not indulge?”

“Then maybe at our next gathering you can make us authentic tacos!” Allura said taking a bit of her overflowing taco. Bits of tacos guts dripped down her hand. When she noticed this she just licked it off of her fingers nonchalantly, sucking on them one by one. Clearly she did not understand the effect she was having on Shiro, who nearly dropped his taco. Hunk nudged Pidge and pointed. Pidge smirked and propped up her chin up in her hand.

“Allura,” She called innocently across the table. “I’d like to learn more about the similarities between the reproductive systems of humans and Alteans. What did Shiro share with you?”

Shiro, mouth too full of food to verbally tell her not to give Pidge that information, tried to signal Allura not to speak, but Allura’s face lit up with the opportunity to share her knowledge. She wiped her mouth and began to talk excitedly.  “As it turns out Alteans and humans share many of the same reproductive traits. For one we both reproduce sexually and therefore require another partner, outside of our close family of course. But what I find odd is that you humans have a gender binary attached to your physical body. While it is true that most alien species tend to stick to a low number of genders, if they have them at all that is, I can think of none that label themselves as a gender based on what is in their pants, particularly as most, such as the Altean race, all have the same thing. I find it interesting and impractical that only one half of your population can become pregnant and the other half impregnate. Very inefficient. I can do both, or at least I could have if Shiro’s body had been compatible with pregnancy.”

At this proclamation everybody at the table froze for a moment, then all hell broke lose. Lance and Matt exchanged money, Lance grumbling about stupid non traditionalists. Pidge let out a whoop and Keith congratulated his brother on ‘tapping that’. Matt loudly stated that he would’ve never guessed that Takashi Shirogane was a bottom. Hunk laughed, slapping Shiro on the back appreciatively.  Shiro’s face was bright red as he let out a groan and hid his face in his hands. Allura blinked around at the scene in confusion.

“Why are you acting as if this is a big deal?” She asked, raising an eyebrow. “Sexual bonds are commonplace here, are they not?”

“They are usually held between married people,” Lance snorted.

Keith frowned, flicking a corn kernel from his salsa at Lance. “Sex isn’t just limited to the confines of marriage you moron.”

“Actually,” Pidge corrected loudly. “It can be between any two or more people who willingly choose to partake in it. Though why anyone takes part in that naked bullshit I’ll never understand.”

“Nobody wants to hear your tumblr bullshit Pidge,” Lance said shooting a glare at Keith.

“You have like 30 million sideblogs Lance!” Pidge pointed out with a scowl.

“Yeah, but I don’t steal my jokes from that hell site,” He protested. “My humor is all original baby.”

“Oh I’ll shove your original sense of humor up you-” Pidge grumbled but was cut off by Matt.

“So how will this group therapy thing work anyways?” Matt asked quickly, shoving a chip covered in queso into Pidge’s open mouth. Pidge scowled and began to chew, taking her cue to shut up with grace and dignity before she started world war 3.

“Group therapy?” Lance repeated, his banter over tumblr seemingly forgotten. “What are you talking about?”

“We’re having group therapy?” Pidge prompted Lance. “Remember? We’re going to talk about our experiences as a group because we can’t to our therapists. It was in the group chat. Did your phone not get the messages?”

“I don’t think so… let me check.” Lance whipped out his phone and held down the power button to turn it on. At the same time Hunk saw that Pidge’s fingers were flying under the table over her screen, desperately tapping out something. Mere seconds before Lance’s lock screen lit up, Hunk felt his phone buzz and glanced down at the notification.

 

**Christmas Colors Group Chat**

**pidgeotto has changed the chat name to ‘ex defenders of the universe (i prefer the term retired but whatever)’**

 

He praised God for Pidge’s quick thinking and even quicker thumbs. If Lance knew that they had a secret chat and that he was the main subject of conversation… yikes. Lance wasn’t found of people talking about him when he wasn’t listening, even if they never said a single negative thing against him. Literally last week they were talking about how great Lance looked in blue and how it was a shame that there was no International Lance Espinosa Appreciation Day. So they made one. After a long debate they finally settled on July 25th as it was National Threading the Needle day. Even Pidge called it the perfect way to honor the tailor.

“No I don’t see it…” Lance frowned, scrolling through the chat. “I think my phone is dropping messages again. Let me see yours.”

Pidge showed him hers, careful not to let him scroll up or down too far. This wasn’t the first time Lance’s phone had mysteriously ‘dropped’ a message. It was something they told Lance whenever they came up with something in the other group chat and accidentally mentioned it to Lance they covered it by saying Lance’s phone must have dropped the message. Hunk was uncomfortable telling Lance this. He was lying to his best friend. They should just disband the group chat before Lance figured out what was going on but he was too scared to suggest it. What if the others thought he was being paranoid? Just the thought of that made him break out into a cold sweat.

“Weird,” Lance mumbled, handing Pidge back her phone. “Also why the fuck would anybody willing want to talk about their trauma to their friends? I mean yeah, I’m not all that honest with my therapist, but why would this be any better?”

“We’ve all gone through the same traumatic shit.” Keith said with a shrug. “We can all relate to one another and we don’t have to explain all the weird alien shit. It’ll be easier to open up I think.”

“Sounds fake but okay,” Lance said, picking up his dishes. “Anybody want me to bust their plates? I’ll take dish duty while you guys set up group therapy.”

“Then you’ll join us, right?” Keith asked, handing Lance his plate.

“Whatever,” Lance shrugged, clearly not thrilled with the idea, but he hadn’t said no exactly. Hunk counted that as a victory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shiro showing those MDD symptoms like MMMMM im not okay with not hitting hunk's anxiety as well as i could have but consolidation is coming in the form of his next narration i can assure you. not too much going on in this one as it was mostly setting up the dynamics of the group but next chapter should be good  
> anyways i feel like this chapter was kinda choppy, not my best work, but idk i can seem to fix what's wrong with it  
> next chapter will be interesting?? follow my edotu tag on my tumblr (@ilovechickensofttacos) for updates about it i often live blog my writing sessions  
> if you have suggestions for symptoms, especially if you have one of these mental illnesses/divergences feel free to tell me!!  
> also please leave comments those really make my day okay? you have no idea what they do to my self esteem. (it boosts it which is wonderful ok)  
> also i forgot to add pansexual shiro to the tags ok its getting added that's a precursor of events to come


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi i dont usually take a month to write a 5k chapter  
> also shiro is in the trial and i need to go fix chapter 2's erroneous statement  
> also, this entire plot was planned out prior to allura's age reveal. in this fic i put allura at about 26 or 27 years old. naturally after her age was revealed to be late teens i had to decide whether or not to keep writing this or finish it. i asked a lot of my readers and everybody said that continuing this would be okay because it was all planned out pre Wondercon.

**Keith**

Exhaustion prickled at Keith’s eyelids, like little fingers tugging them down. He kept having to force them up again every few minutes lest he risk falling asleep before Group began, but fuck, he was tired. There wasn’t even really a reason to be tired, he just was. He was sleeping well, eating right (thanks to Lance), and he didn’t work on Saturdays, not that his job was extremely draining anyways. Despite not doing much other than hiking with Hunk, Keith had just sort of vegged out at home, watching TV or studying to complete all the schoolwork he’d neglected when he, you know, got kicked out, but despite doing nothing he’d been fighting back yawns and the urge to take a nap all day. Now, lying in the bean bag, contentedly full of Hunk’s home cooking and in the presence of good friends there was nothing he wanted to do more than curl up into a ball and drift off, but he didn’t dare, not in the presence of Pidge anyway. 

Fortunately He didn’t have to force himself to stay awake while Pidge and Matt watched some weird cryptid documentary. Lance was a fast dish washer, a skill he attributed to growing up in a large family. He was in and out of the kitchen in 15 minutes, drying his hands on one of Allura’s hand towels. 

“Alright, dishes are done.” He announced, tossing the hand towel on the counter. Matt turned down the TV and the group turned to face him. “So, what exactly are we doing again?”

“Group therapy,” Pidge answered, not looking up from their phone. “We’re going to sit in a circle and validate each other’s feelings and fears… or some neurotypical bullshit like that.”

“Zip it with the anti-recovery rhetoric.” Keith said with a bit of a smirk. He knew Pidge was joking, or at least was pretty sure she was joking. Sometimes it was hard to know where Tumblr Pidge ended and Real Pidge began, if they were even different people anyways. 

While everybody was rather well known (Apparently celebrity status was a perk of saving the universe), Pidge had made a name for herself beyond ‘The Green Paladin’. She had started a mental illness and trauma related tumblr, and had amassed some 3,000 followers in just 2 months. Keith followed her, mostly because Pidge knew how to channel her anger and frustration into some pretty high quality memes, but also just to keep an eye on her. Sometimes she posted some not so great things about what was going on inside her head and unfortunately Keith could usually relate to it. They all could probably.

“I’m not anti-recovery,” Pidge replied with a grin. “I’m anti being told yoga will cure my depression.”

“It might not cure it but regular exercise is shown to be just as effective as an antidepressant.” Hunk pointed out, taking a sip of his hot cocoa. “But I understand why being told it would be annoying.”

“It upsets me too,” Matt added. “But usually I just remind myself people are just trying to help me.”

“I understand that people care,” She said, biting her lip and pausing to think for a moment. “It’s just that sometimes they seem to act like doing yoga and going gluten free alone will bring about my will to live.”

“See!” Allura clapped her hands together excitedly. “You are validating each other's’ viewpoints and finding people to relate to right in this room. I think this is going to be great!”

“I think it’d be better if we followed a more traditional group structure.” Lance said, folding his arms and reclining back in his own blue bean bag. “Has anybody here actually been to group therapy?”

“I have.” Keith said, sitting up as best he could in his squashy red bean bag. “And, uh, if it’s structure you want we can start with introductions and check ins?”

“You mean telling everyone our name?” Pidge asked, raising her eyebrow, but this time she was actually looking at Keith and not her phone. “Just in case we forgot now that we are no longer spending every waking moment defending each other from Galra or in bonding moments?”

“Oh my God don’t be a smart ass.” Matt groaned, poking Pidge with one of his walking sticks. 

“Well, usually yeah,” Keith said. “But since we obviously know each other, we’ll skip that. We’ll just go around, give our diagnosis, and a word to describe how we’re feeling. Oh, it can’t just be ‘good’. It’s got to be an emotion.”

Keith heard Hunk make some sort of strained noise in the back of his throat. He knew Hunk wasn’t too keen on talking about his emotions, something about not wanting others to worry about him. To be honest, everybody here had that problem, Hunk’s anxiety just made his 20 times worse. 

“Okay, I’ll start,” Matt said, pushing his new glasses up his nose. Since Pidge had stolen his glasses at home as part of her disguise at the Garrison and it wasn’t like the Galra were going to let him keep his glasses in prison Matt had come to them half blind and unable to walk. “I’m Matt, and I’m diagnosed with PTSD, but my doctor is considering changing it to C-PTSD-”

“Then just say you have PTSD, don’t be fucking pretentious.” Pidge interrupted teasingly, earning herself another playful jab. Pidge reached out and grabbed the stick, trying to wrench it away.

“And today-” He grunted, caught in a tug of war over his cane. “I feel… calm.”

He managed to yank the cane back, letting out a disgruntled huff. Pidge stuck out her tongue, smoothing her skirt over her legs. Matt flicked her forehead. Ah yes, sibling love.

“Okay, now say why.” Keith pressed. 

“Why I feel calm?” Matt asked, redirecting his focus to Keith. “Oh, uh, dunno. Everything just seems a lot better. I have a job I really like, and my mobility is slowly recovering. I’m supposed to start trying to walk unaided in therapy soon. Everything is just… great…”

His voice kind of trailed off. Clearly things were not ‘great’. The group remained silent, waiting for Matt to continue but he didn’t. Instead he pulled his knees up to his chest and rested his chin on his knees. Pidge wrapped a reassuring arm around her brother. 

“I mean, they are great.” Matt said. “They really are and I guess I should feel calm but I don’t. I’m not in danger. I’m financially set. I have my family back again. But honestly I’m just always on edge, always looking over my shoulder to make sure I’m not being followed or about to be attacked and honestly it’s so tiring.”

“So you’re not calm,” Hunk said slowly. “You’re distressed?”

“But I shouldn’t be!” Matt replied, turning his head away as if he didn’t feel worthy to look at any of them. His voice slowly became higher pitched and strained as clearly held back tears. “There is no reason for me to be so paranoid. Like today, at work, my mentor calm up behind me so quietly I didn’t hear him. Then he asked what I was doing, not even in a loud voice, and it startled me so much I dropped the container of chemicals I was working with and we had to shut down the lab for an hour to get it cleaned up. I wasted everyone’s time today because I can’t realize that I’m not with the Galra and I’m safe now.”

He took his glasses off and pressed his face to his knees, taking a few deep breaths. Pidge wrapped her arms around him and slowly began to rock him from side to side, whispering gentle words of encouragement that Keith couldn’t hear. Everyone else stayed silent. Keith felt like he was intruding on something deeply personal and had a strong urge to leave the room and give Matt some privacy. Judging on everyone else’s looks he wasn’t the only one. Clearly nobody had expected it to get this heavy so fast. 

“I know how you feel Matt.” Shiro said sympathetically. He rested his robot arm on Matt’s shoulder. “When I first joined Voltron I’d just escaped from the Galra. I felt so inadequate to lead because I couldn’t even be by myself without freaking out. Remember the whole Sendak incident?”

“You mean Sendick?” Lance grumbled irritably, leaning over to speak into Keith’s ear so only he could hear. “How could I forget. I’ve got a scar down my back from that fucko’s bomb. Completely ruined my beach body!”

Keith snickered a bit, holding up a finger to remind Lance that right now they should be focusing on Matt. He knew Lance wasn’t trying to take away from Matt. He probably was just trying to defuse the high emotions of the situation with a little humor. 

“I literally ejected him into space.” Shiro continued. “All because I thought I saw him move. There was literally no way he could have, he was cryo-frozen for Crow’s sake. But I panicked. It’s okay not to feel safe even when you know you are. Your fear is valid, especially after all you went through.”

Matt shivered, pulling his knees even closer to his body. 

“I think we should take a break…” Pidge said, eyeing Matt with concern. “Everybody clear out and we’ll reconvene in 5 minutes? Is that okay Matt?”

Matt shook his head, taking a shuddery breath. “No. I’m fine. Does anyone else here experience that?”

“I understand how you feel,” Allura murmured, shuffling over on her knees to be a little closer to him. “I feel like if I leave any of my loved ones alone I’ll never see them again. It’s completely illogical and irrational because I know everybody is safe now, but it’s still a very real fear.”

“I get that too Matt,” Hunk said, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. “My therapist said it’s tied to trauma and the irrational thinking that can stem from it. He says you have to acknowledge the thought and then push it aside. It’s a thought and an emotion so it is real and you shouldn’t beat yourself up for thinking it, but you should still push it away. Remind yourself you are safe, you know? It takes time but it works.”

Matt nodded, wiping his eyes. “Fuck… thanks guys. Can we move on for now?”

“Hold up,” Lance said sitting up. “Let’s try to end everything on a positive note. Matt, name something good that happened today and how it made you feel.”

Keith blinked at Lance in slight shock. That was actually a really good idea, especially with the kinds of things they were discussing. Where had this side of Lance been when they were in space? Of course, now that Keith thought about Lance spent most of his time joking and trying to make others feel better, so maybe this side of Lance had been a part of him all along, except that in the past Keith had just chalked it up to immaturity. It had taken time for Keith to realize that was just how Lance dealt with his emotions.

Matt paused for a moment, thinking. “Well, today we finalized the surgical procedures and that made me really happy because it was the last hurdle before we begin the clinical trials. That means we can get Shiro into surgery in a few weeks.” 

“That’s awesome Matt.” Shiro smiled, looking down at his Galra arm. “Can’t say I’m going to miss  this thing.”

“I bet you can’t wait to get that off your  _ hands _ !” Matt laughed, still wiping away a few stray tears.

There was a moment of silence following the pun before the group began to laugh. Shiro rolled his eyes as if hopelessly annoyed, but his lips had twitched up into a smile all the same. It was common knowledge that puns were the Black Paladins least favorite kind of humor, so naturally everyone tried to make as many as they could in his presence. What great friends they were.

“Yeah,” Pidge grinned and Keith had an idea she was about to start up one of the infamous Holt family pun wars. “I guess you could say this whole ordeal has been a bit of a  _ handful _ .”

“Stop.” Shiro groaned, unable to suppress a little chuckle.

“I won’t deny,” Lance piped up. “That prosthetic has been rather  _ handy  _ to have around.”

“Definitely,” Agreed Keith, wanting to tease Shiro as well. “You can always count on Takashi Shirogane to  _ lend a hand _ if need be.”

“You could say Shiro was  _ hands down  _  the most reliable paladin of us all!” Hunk said.

“Oh my god!” Shiro covered his face, but his shaking shoulders gave away that he was clearly laughing at this.

“Oh!” Allura exclaimed, her face lighting up. “I’ve got one. Shiro, I’ll bet you’ll look just  _ handsome  _ with your new prosthetic!” 

At this Shiro lost it, collapsing into hysterical mirth. Shiro laughing was a pure and wholesome sight. 

Allura’s face fell. “Oh no, I didn’t wrong didn’t I?”

“No!” Shiro managed, barely able to speak through his own giggles.

“That was great princess,” Lance said, leaning over to try and wrap an arm around her. “Your sense of humor is simply stunning, just like your beauty.”

Allura shrugged him off her shoulders, glowering a bit. Classic.

“I’m proud of you Matt,” Pidge said after everyone had calmed down. “I know how hard you’ve been working on this for Shiro.”

“Yeah,” Shiro nodded. “So, how does it work?”

Matt’s eyes immediately lit up just like they always did when he was given the opportunity to talk about his work. He was obviously passionate about science and especially robotics. He could talk for hours and hours on the subject without getting bored and when he was working on something that caught his interest it was hard to tear him away from it. He was a lot like Pidge in that aspect. Once, back on the castle, Keith’s red shooter robot broke down, and Matt worked nonstop to fix it, not even pausing to eat or sleep. Keith wished he had something that could spur on his drive like that. 

“Well first we start by removing the Galra arm, and in the same surgery we’ll smooth down rough edges and shape the bone accordingly.” Matt lifted up Shiro’s Galra arm and traced his fingers over the skin to demonstrate. “We’ll put slots here, where my finger is tracing, to make room for connecting nerves to the prosthetic. To do that the surgeon will drill subtle grooves through the humerus. Through this we can set in a tube constructed from a blood vessel we can harvest in the removal process. That way we can thread the wire through it and not have Shiro’s immune system attack the body because as we all know that would be both problematic and very painful and might require us to amputate the rest of Shiro’s remaining arm? Wouldn’t that be ironic?”

Hunk made a soft  _ hurk  _ sound, like he was repressing the urge to throw up. Keith didn’t blame him. Matt’s graphic description of the surgical process was nauseatingly fascinating. He talked about how they would have to burn the stump closed to prevent Shiro from bleeding out into his new metal limb and how Shiro was probably going to have be put on morphine for the pain (“And that’s the stuff we give people who are actually getting their limbs removed!”). Shiro was starting to look like he might want to back out of this trial. Despite the overall discomfort nobody told him to stop talking. Everybody was just happy he had a distraction.”

“After a brief recovery period for a blood transfusion we will begin the second surgery, the big one.” Matt pushed on, blissfully ignorant to the queasiness of his audience. He kept using his fingers to show where along Shiro’s back they were pushing the wires and connecting different nerves. “Our time estimate right now is about 6 or 7 hours for the surgery, but don’t quote me on that. It’s going to be long because this the surgery where I will assist in connecting the nerves to wires and then synching those to our nerve cuff. This is the most delicate part of the entire operation, especially the connection of the spine to the wire that I talked about earlier. If that gets messed up Shiro could end up paralyzed from the neck down.”

“So there are a lot of dangers to this.” Shiro said slowly. 

Matt nodded gravely. “Think open heart surgery. Except instead of death you’ll just be paralyzed for life, which is probably worse. You won’t know that you’ve died, but you’ll know you’re paralyzed.”

“Okay!” Lance clapped his hands together. “Thank you Matt for that detailed description of what is both the coolest and most horrifying thing I have ever heard in my life. Who’s next?”

 

Keith drummed his fingers on the armrest, glancing up at the clock. 1:47. His wednesday appointment with Morty was in 13 minutes, and boy did he have a lot to talk about. His mind had been racing ever since their Saturday night group therapy session. Listening to everybody talk about their emotions and how they were coping with everything was almost eye opening. Keith hadn’t realized that everybody was just as fucked up as he was about the whole thing. This whole time Keith just thought he was just being a big baby about it. Everybody else seemed to be recovering, slowly but still recovering, and here Keith was still unable to talk about things that had happened before he became a paladin, let alone what actually happened once he was there. But hearing Lance talk about being scared to sleep, and Hunk talking about how every time he got behind a car wheel it was like being in the yellow lion, made Keith decide that today was the day, the day he was going to (try) to open up to Morty about something he’d been holding back on: his emotions towards his Galra heritage.

Finding out he was part Galra had been a real shock to Keith. He’d known he was an orphan, but he’d had no idea that he was an alien, or at least partially one. It did answer a few things, such as why he’d been given up as a kid, but it ended up just giving Keith more questions about who he was and where he came from. Was he human, or Galran? Would he have been a paladin if he’d been raised by the Galra? Why did they abandon him here? Had they not cared about him? It was something that kept pressing at Keith’s mind and he just kept trying to set it aside. He wanted to be confident that as a paladin of Voltron he didn’t need to know where he came from, but he wasn’t. Being part Galra made him feel like he was the enemy they were supposed to be fighting, especially when all his new features began to grow in. There was when time when his eyes had started glowing in the dark and Shiro got so freaked out he had a panic attack. Keith had felt so guilty that he couldn’t look Shiro in the eyes for weeks. Even now it was hard to be around the others when his Galra form showed up. 

Morty had tried to breach the subject of his Galra lineage a few weeks ago. They’d been talking casually about family backgrounds when Morty mentioned that he read on Keith’s chart that he part Galra. Keith had been to therapy before, many times even. He wasn’t stupid and he’d experienced this tactic of trying to inch into hard to talk about topics. Instead of latching onto the opportunity to talk about something that had been weighing on his mind for literal months now in a calm casual way, he completely shut down.Keith wouldn’t even look at Morty, responding to his questions with simple, one worded answers. Finally Morty decided to just end their session early, apologizing for bringing up such a sensitive topic. Keith left the appointment feeling awful about not just talking about it, and Morty never brought it up again. He was probably waiting for Keith to, and today was the day he was going to. Hopefully. Maybe. 

Keith was actually kind of surprised that the group therapy went so well. Sure, it probably wasn’t nearly as productive as it could have been if it was lead by a professional, but they’d ended up finding ways to help everybody. For example, when Hunk talked about how being behind the wheel of a car was like being back in the Yellow Lion, the group worked together to create a list of good thoughts Hunk could replace his irrational ones with. Working together and combining their experiences they were better able to find good coping skills for each other and relate so much more. When it was finally over (sometime around midnight) Pidge even admitted that it hadn’t been as bad as she thought it was going to be. The group decided to meet up at Shiro’s house next saturday for another group meeting, and Keith was actually kind of excited for it.

Keith felt a buzz in his pocket. He pulled out his phone to see a text from Shiro. He smiled and unlocked his phone to read it. 

 

**shiro labeouf >>>red panties**

shiro labeouf: hey i have my first doctor’s appointment for the clinical trial at 3:30

shiro labeouf: and while i’m not really scared i just want support, you know?

shiro labeouf: i dont want to zone out and miss something important

red panties: i’ll come, sure

shiro labeouf: thanks keith, you’re the best

shiro labeouf: i’ll pick you up from morty’s office after your appointment, ok?

 

“Keith?” Keith looked up to see Morty standing in the doorway to his office. 

Morty was actually quite young looking for, well, a guy named Morty. He was somewhere in his late 20’s, early to mid 30’s with mousy brown hair and a bit of a beard. He’d been the first therapist that the guys on the team felt the most comfortable with. He wasn’t super old, and he wasn’t always asking about ‘how that made you feel’ like the stereotypical psychologist was. He didn’t say too much in sessions either, seeming to want the conversation to flow naturally towards where it needed to go, which was nice. Keith didn’t feel pressured to talk about topics he wasn’t ready to, well usually anyways. 

“One sec, just arranging for pick up,” Keith said, standing up and shooting one last text to Shiro before slipping his phone into his pocket. Morty smiled and held the door open to his office for Keith. 

Keith settled down on the couch, and pulled his legs up to rest on the armrest. Morty always said to make himself at home in his office and Keith did. Morty’s office was pretty chill compared to a lot of the other therapist’s office he’d been in. Some of them were bright and cheerful with signs that said ‘Life, Laugh, Love’ or ‘Mind over Matter’, and others were dim and drafty, but Morty’s was a nice mix of both. There weren’t any windows, which seemed to be commonplace in many offices. Morty made up for the lack of natural light by stringing up christmas lights around the wall. He kept blankets folded up and stacked on a nearby shelf next to a row of psychology related books. There were tons of little trinkets to fiddle with as well as a few board games. It was probably one of the better places a person could be to talk about their deep repressed emotions and fears.

“So,” Morty said, taking a seat in his swivel chair. “How has this week been?”

“Pretty good,” Keith said with a nod. His knee was already bouncing up and down from nervousness. Morty picked up on it. 

“Everything okay?” Morty asked, pointing towards his knee. “You’re more of a hand fidgeter. Something on your mind?”

“Yeah, I guess.” Keith laughed nervously. Now or never Keith. He took a deep breath, preparing himself to say what he’d been planning to talk about all day, let it out and said: “Did Shiro tell you about his upcoming surgery?”

 

**lastime >>>red panties**

lastime: hey how was therapy?

red panties: OH SHIT

red panties: LANCE IM SO SORRY 

red panties: I FORGOT TO TELL YOU SHIRO IS TAKING ME TO HIS APPOINTMENT

lastime: calm ur purple tits

lastime: shiro texted me about it so its fine

red panties: you sure??

lastime: ya

lastime: but how was therapy

red panties: a mess.

red panties: i tried talking about something serious but ended up just rambling on about shiro’s arm removal

red panties: i spent like 20 minutes retelling matt’s explanation 

lastime: too relatable

red panties: im!!

red panties: such!!

red panties: a moron!!!

lastime: no ur not!!!!

lastime: dude its so hard to open up nobody blames you

red panties: but also its been like 2 months shouldnt i be able to talk about it???

lastime: wasnt the point of this group therapy thing so we can talk about it

lastime: bc literally none of us

lastime: talk to our therapists

red panties: yeah but like

red panties: i still feel like a pathetic moron

lastime: and u r one

lastime: but not about this

lastime: what were u trying 2 talk about?

lastime: u dont have to tell me 

lastime: but if u want 2 talk about it

lastime: im not morty but im here

red panties: no i dont really want to talk about it

red panties: sorry

lastime: dont apologize!!

lastime: u did nothing wrong!!

lastime: i should be the one apologizing for asking lmao

lastime: sorry

red panties: aaaaa no!

red panties: fuck ok so before we go into an endless stream of apologies lets change the subject

lastime: gotcha

lastime: so shiros gonna get evaluated for that crazy ass trial??

red panties: mhm!

red panties: hes not saying anything right now but i know hes excited to get his arm chopped off all over again

lastime: ok but like

lastime: after matts little lecture on it??

lastime: im terrified

lastime: and i dont even have to do it????

red panties: r e l a t a b l e

lastime: it just sounds really dangerous and painful

red panties: the worst part is its not like havent weve done shit that had the same if not higher chances of death/debilitating injury than that

lastime: tbh?? yeah

lastime: i mean

lastime: didnt u try to take on zarkon head on

lastime: and also nearly worked urself to death for this 2 inch long daggar

lastime: like that was kind of extra bro no offense

red panties: ummmm its 6 and a half inches???

red panties: mind your beeswax lance

lastime: i cant mind my beeswax keith

red panties: y

lastime: bc the bees are fucking dying and soon there will be no beeswax left

lastime: i go to saVE THE UNIVERSE

lastime: I COME BACK 2 FIND

lastime: beEs

lastime: are on the endangered list

lastime: what the fuck

red panties: ikr?? i was pissed

lastime: me 2!!!

red panties: like bees?? so fuzzy??? that little bzzzzzzzzz sound???

red panties: reblog if you agree

lastime: yesssss

lastime: ok but seriously

lastime: so much changed in the time we were gone

red panties: ikr

red panties: vine is dead

red panties: pokemon are real

lastime: lady gaga performed at the superbowl

red panties: obama is gone

lastime: THE REAL TRAGEDY

lastime: OBAMA WAS A GIFT

red panties: I MISS HIM SO MUCH

lastime: biH!!

lastime: ME 2

lastime: also not to change the subject suddenly but

lastime: is shiro not scared at all about this 

lastime: bc i would be

red panties: tbh no hes not

red panties: but like of all of us shiro was probably the most ready to die remember

lastime: boy do i ever

lastime: ‘ok team, remember’

lastime: ‘if you ever are trying to discern who is a clone and who is the real me’

lastime: ‘keep in mind that i will never pass up an opportunity to die’

red panties: I REMEMBER THAT 

lastime: TBH IT WAS THE MOST CONCERNING THING IVE EVER HEARD HIM SAY

red panties: it was but honestly??? same

red panties: im always ready 2 die tbh

lastime: too relatable

lastime: i feel attacked???

lastime: but is he like… just not scared of the pain either?

red panties: no i think that does kinda scare him

red panties: but the guy already lost his arm

red panties: its kind of a ‘ive been through worse’ mentality at this point

lastime: but??? its gonna be painful???

red panties: he said matt promised to keep him well medicated

lastime: think he will share

red panties: no 

red panties: but he cant stop us if hes knocked out

 

**red panties >>>pidgeotto**

red panties has sent a screenshot.

red panties: we’re gonna steal shiro’s morphine

pidgeotto: i want in.

pidgeotto: also i didnt think you spoke to lance that much

red panties: i didnt used to but

red panties: idk

pidgeotto: what changed??

pidgeotto: i thought you couldnt stand lance???

red panties: uH? nO?

red panties: ive always been fine with lance

pidgeotto: ‘the amount of information in your brain could fit on a paper airplane’ -keith kogane

pidgeotto: ‘with you at the helm? terrified’ -keith kogane

pidgeotto: ‘WORST. PILOT. EVER.’ -keith kogane

red panties: ok but

red panties: literally everyone was thinking that last one 

pidgeotto: tru

pidgeotto: but like, seriously

pidgeotto: what changed

red panties: idk??

red panties: its weird bc now i actually want to be around him

red panties: maybe its just bc we live together

pidgeotto: mmm

pidgeotto: mk

red panties: what??

pidgeotto: nothin’

pidgeotto: tell me how shiro’s appointment goes

red panties: mk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -coughs-  
> whoops  
> sorry i was trying to pump out more for my main fic (Brave New World) and put this one on hold. tbh, not sure if i can get a solid posting schedule for anything?? but if you follow me on tumblr @ilovechickensofttacos you'll get updates and stuff. i usually live blog my word counts and i also answer anons there?? send me some pls  
> im a fuckin... medical nerd... so i might go overboard with shiro's stuff uH im sorry man lmao  
> ALSO MY COUSIN GOT ME JEREMY SHADA'S AUTOGRAPH AND IM DYING


	4. 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> introducing cripple, who is Matt

**Lance**

Saving the universe tends to draw a lot of attention to yourself. When Lance and the other paladins were first released back into the regular world they found themselves bombarded with pictures, articles, and television segments all about the brave paladins of Voltron. They were requested to give interviews on just about every major channel, even the Oprah Show. But Morty and Ann decided that it wasn’t wise to be reliving their Radical Deep Space Adventure™ so much. In the end they decided to hold a public forum where the paladins answered questions asked by the public. After that they weren’t bothered by the media so much, but even two months after their return to Earth Lance still got stopped in the streets on occasion by somebody who recognized him as one of the paladins of Voltron and would ask for a selfie or an autograph. 

Of course being an intergalactic celebrity meant keeping a good social media account rolling for all of their adoring fans. Aside from the individual accounts each paladin had, they all kept one big Voltron joint account that they took turns posting on. Most of the pictures were from events they attended, or pictures they took together during their time aboard the castle. Some of Lance’s favorite were the dramatic shots they’d taken for newspapers. There was one where they were in their paladin armor and the shadows covering half of their face. He decided that if he ever needed headshots (for some weird reason no doubt) he’d use that one. 

If Lance started at the bottom of their joint Team Voltron account, he could relive their journey in chronological order. Sometimes he did, just to remind himself that it was really him who went on all those crazy adventures, that it wasn’t all just some crazy, elaborate dream. He would slowly scroll up, smiling at the pictures Pidge had managed to take using a camera she built from spare parts. There was the group photo after the space goo fight, a collage of their time on planets, shots of the team training or learning about different alien cultures. Since Allura believed that the best learning is done through hands on experiences she often had them partake in different cultural customs during their alliance missions. Lance particular favorite from this cluster of photos was the one of Keith, carefully spreading blue paint over Lance’s face. His tongue was poking out of the side of his mouth and his brows were furrowed slightly. This was the expression Lance came to know as Keith’s thinking face. 

Once he’d gotten past all of the space photos the account became more dedicated to current events. There was the quick victory shots and the photos that they captured after they finally returned to Earth, but after that there were several weeks of unaccounted for time on the account. Lance didn’t need photos to know what had occurred during that time, he’d lived through it. There first week was spent in a private facility where they were evaluated for trauma and other space diseases. As far as government laboratories go Lance had heard of worse. It wasn’t all creepy doctors and terrifying instruments. Their suites were like private hospital rooms, complete with a TV and private bathroom. To prevent any intergalactic super big from infecting Earth, their doctors wore full on hazmat suits. They were slightly intimidating at first, but over time Lance realized they were actually quite nice, just forced to obey government regulation.

After the initial evaluations, the first 24 hours they were physically isolated from each other, but they could still communicate using the internet. They ended up playing a long game of Cards Against Humanity online and using skype to call each other. They spent at least half an hour trying to teach Allura how to use skype and then how to play Cards Against Humanity. During this time Pidge coded up a custom set of white and black cards with jokes from their time together and some of the classic CAH cards. Sometimes they had to explain the jokes to Allura, but the Altean definitely held her own in the game, finishing ahead of Hunk, who was too innocent to use any of his mature rated cards. Keith, as it turned, was not nearly as behind the times as Lance had thought and managed to pull off a decent score and the gap between Keith’s score and Lance’s was only 3 points. Pidge and Matt tied for second. They shared a unique sense of humor where nothing was off limits. It was both slightly morbid and hilarious at the same time. They decided to keep Coran and Mr. Holt in the dark about the game, but included Shiro who somehow managed to beat them all. It was the hardest Lance remembered laughing in literal years.

Once they were officially granted a full bill health (physically at least) they were finally allowed to see their families. Lance was honestly surprised that his mother hadn’t busted her way into the facility the minute she was informed where Lance and the others were staying. Apparently she’d tried to get them to let her see him early, but had been forced to wait with the Garretts, Shiroganes, and Mrs. Holt until they were officially released. Of course, none of the paladins were told that their families were waiting for them, they were just instructed to gather up their belongings and head down to the first floor where they would be able to contact their families. Lance hadn’t really bothered to change out of the standard T-shirt and shorts he’d slept in, or brush his teeth, or comb his hair. He literally had just rolled out of bed, received instructions from one of the doctors, shoved all of his stuff in the bag provided or him, then staggered out to the lift. 

The lift ride down was silent (except for Hunk’s soft siffling). They didn’t need to talk to know what everyone else was thinking. The atmosphere was an exhausted sort of relief. They were tired, even with a full (ish) night of sleep, and just glad to finally be home. Matt leaned against his father for support as Pidge, in a rare gesture of affection, hugged Mr. Holt’s middle, pressing her face into his shirt. Lance didn’t need to see her face to know she was crying. If he hadn’t been alone he probably would have been crying too. His family had always been on his mind throughout his time on Voltron. He’d see something and think about how much his siblings would have loved to see that, or here something that would remind him of the jokes his dad used to tell, or taste something that could have been his mother’s own cooking and it was all he could do not to lose it. He missed his big, loud family so much that his chest ached when he thought about them. 

But then the elevator dinged, signaling they had arrived on the first floor, and the doors slid open.

The first thing Lance registered was a middle aged woman sitting on one of the lobby couches. She was talking quietly to an older couple with dark black hair. It took a second, but Lance recognized the woman at once. Her hair was the exact same shade as Matt and Pidge’s. It had to be Mrs. Holt, which meant the couple had to be-

“Mom…” Shiro choked out, his voice more emotional than Lance ever remembered hearing it. “Dad…”

Even though Shiro’s voice had hardly been more than a whisper his mother froze. She turned and saw them, her face going slack. Her husband and Mrs. Holt looked to see what she had seen. They all stood, staring in disbelief at the group, filing out of the elevator. 

“I demand to know where my son is!” A voice Lance had scarcely hoped to hear again roared. “I was told this is where he would be. I was called a week ago and arrived the very next day. It has been a week since he returned, and mind you I have not spoken to him or even seen him in years, and you still deny me the right to see my son over what? Space diseases? Me importa tres pepinos. My son is what matters to me!”

Lance couldn’t believe his ears. He turned his head… and there was his mother. Five foot and three inches of pure cuban sass, arguing intensely with what appeared to be a receptionist. Her dark, curly brown hair, swept up into a messy updo she must have pulled off in the car, was streaked with more gray than the last time he’d seen it. Her world worn pale was more creased than before, but he knew those laugh lines like the back of his hand. It was his mother. His mom. 

She was surrounded by what appeared to be Lance’s entire extended family. They were all outliers when it came to height. Some, such as his father, towered over the national average, and some like his mother, well below it. All his older siblings crowded around the receptionist, asking similar questions about Lance’s whereabouts. 

“Mama!” He half shrieked, his voice breaking into a shuddering sob. He watched the near dozen family members look towards the source of his voice in one slow motion.

Then all hell broke lose. Lance’s family collectively let out a shriek of surprise and they ran for him. Lance wasn’t sure if he ran forward to greet them or if he just waited for them to envelop him in a frenzied tangle of hugs and kisses. All he knew was that one moment he was alone and the next he was surrounded by all the people he’d missed the most in space. His mother wrapped him up in one of her bone crushing bear hugs. She peppered him in kisses and questions that he couldn’t answer because he was crying so much. In the end she just let him sob into her shoulder for as long as he needed to, and he did so for a long time. She stroked his back soothingly, rocking him back and forth and whispering how much she loved him and how much she missed him into his ears. 

The room became filled with shaky, overemotional laughter that quickly disintegrated into joyful sobbing. They were all crying. Not just Lance and his family (though Lance was bawling his eyes out at this point because he had dreamed about this for so long and had never known if he was going to get it and  _ here it was _ ) but the Holts, and the Shiroganes, and the Garretts. Even the Alteans got a little teary eyed at the reunion. 

After a few minutes Lance noticed Keith was standing off to the side. He was watching them with an odd expression on his face. Envy? Longing? Either way it was kind of pathetic to watch him standing there awkwardly by himself, so Lance, in an act of great generosity towards his adversary, waved him over. Keith blinked in surprise. He stared at Lance for a moment, then pointed to himself as to ask  _ ‘Me? Did you mean me?’.  _ Lance nodded, waving him over again. Keith shook his head. 

“K-keith!” Lance choked out. “C’mere! My m-mom wants to hug you!”

“I… okay?” Keith said timidly. 

He walked over hesitantly, as if he was afraid that Lance might rescind his offer. Finally though, he made it to where Lance’s family was huddled on the floor and knelt down. Lance’s mother reached out an arm and pulled him into their hug. She kissed the side of his head and for a moment Keith tensed, but then he too started to cry, relaxing into the hug. Lance had never seen Keith cry before. Keith was always so guarded, even with Shiro who had apparently known him before they were more or less abducted by Blue. He rarely talked about his past, and when he did it was always in a manner as cryptic as possible so it didn’t even make sense to Lance. But still, Lance had figured out that Keith didn’t have a family. He didn’t have anybody to miss while he was in space, but he also didn’t have anybody to miss him. Of course when Lance’s mother heard about this she insisted that Keith come stay with them as long as he wanted. At first Keith protested, insisting that since he was a foster kid and a ward of the state they would provide for him and she really didn’t need to do that. But then Shiro reminded him that they’d turned 18 in space, and that Keith was no longer under government care and wouldn’t have anywhere to go, he finally agreed to stay with Lance’s family. 

So that was how Keith ended up staying with Lance for the first few weeks. In that time Lance learned a lot about the Red Paladin. He learned that his favorite color was indeed red, that he had a talent for climbing trees (which made him a favorite among younger family members), he was lactose intolerant, and that yes, he did listen to entirely too much alternative music, but he also enjoyed EDM, which meant there was no squabbling over radio stations because Lance shared a similar taste in music. In fact, there were a lot of things Keith and Lance had in common, so much so that it kind of surprised Lance. For example they both shared a deep appreciation for Lady Gaga, bad jokes, and spicy food. Considering how much they had fought in the castle it was weird to discover that they got along pretty well sharing a room together. Maybe it had something to do with all that Radical Deep Space Bonding they did back aboard the castle. Regardless, finding out how compatible he actually was with Keith was one of the reasons Lance decided to accepted Keith’s offer to become roommates. 

Of course, that wasn’t to say that Lance and Keith never fought, because clearly they did, but it wasn’t the huge all out war it used to be. Instead of physical altercations (aside from the occasional wrestling match like the one they had at Allura’s) their little battles were much more domestic. Lance would leave post it notes, trying to remind Keith to  _ please  _ put his dishes in the sink after his midnights snacks, and Keith would respond by putting a pair of Lance’s dirty socks which he’d forgotten to put into the laundry bin in the bowl. But aside from the occasional snarky comments, that was probably the worst it got. Then again, they were only a month into rooming together, so Pidge said that they could still be in their ‘honeymoon’ phase. Lance hadn’t even known there was a honeymoon phase for sharing an apartment.

He thought about this as he lay sprawled out on the couch, scrolling lazily through his instagram feed and waiting for Keith to tell him about Shiro’s appointment. His eyes flickered up to the clock at the top of his screen. It had been an hour and a half. Would the appointment be done already? Did Keith forget to text Lance and if so would it be annoying or viewed as clingy to text him now? Lance stared at his screen for a moment, fighting a mental battle over this before finally he gave in and opened the messaging app. 

 

**lastime >>>red panties**

lastime: hey!!

lastime: how was the appointment??

red panties: aaa

red panties: literally just got out of the exam room one sec

lastime: mk!

red panties: ok buckled in

red panties: it went really well

red panties: and the doctors are willing to operate on him

lastime: thats awesome!!

lastime: is shiro going to go through with it?

red panties: i think so

red panties: i mean the insurance approved it 

red panties: bc apparently his alien arm is a liability and they want him to get rid of it

red panties: idrk much about that though so dont quote me on that

lastime: same but replace the topic of insurance with literally everything

lastime: im a moron lol

red panties: no!!

red panties: ur not!!!! a moron!!!!!!

lastime: uhhhh keith

lastime: i got tricked by an alien with tentacle hair and trained to a tree

red panties: umm… so????

red panties: u figured out that rover was actually fake rover which was actually a bomb and protected coran??

lastime: i nearly got myself killed!!

lastime: that wasnt a smart move!!!

red panties: lance

red panties: you are smart. 

lastime: ok lol if u say so

lastime: lets talk more about shiro

lastime: when is he going to have the surgery

red panties: uhhh we dont know

red panties: shiro wants it as soon as possible

red panties: but it’s gonna take a little time before they finalize everything

lastime: any estimated date???

red panties: not really :/

lastime: aaa sorry

red panties: why are you apologizing

lastime: aaaaaaaaa idk it feels like i need to

red panties: dont worry

red panties: you didnt do anything wrong???

lastime: the ‘:/’ made me feel like it did

red panties: ???

red panties: i didn’t mean anything bad by it

lastime: lets drop it

red panties: ok

 

Lance stared at his phone, not really sure how to feel. Keith said it was fine, that the ‘:/’ didn’t mean anything, but Lance wasn’t so sure. Part of that whole having ADHD thing was the inability to pick up on social cues. It took Lance a little while to pick up on the whole unicode emoticon things. He just wasn’t sure what faces were meant to represent what emotions, especially since he’d see it used in one context and then another whole separate way and it always just confused him. He had to force himself to pick up on what scenarios warranted which symbols and sometimes he got it wrong. 

Usually the ‘:/’ was associated with annoyance. When Lance saw it he assumed that Keith was just flat out annoyed with Lance asking a question Keith sort of already answered earlier. Lance could understand why Keith would be annoyed, but it still hurt. When Lance was younger he always associated his existence with annoyance. Think about it, the chatty, hyper child who could barely score above an 85% in any given subject. Lance honestly thought he deserved some of the things people had said to him, even now with therapy and years of reassurance from friends and family that no he didn’t deserve any of it. But after all this time and validation, Lance still felt the tell tale ache in his chest whenever he felt like a nuisance. It felt like something was scooping away at his chest, breaking out chunks of his heart and tossing them carelessly into the dirt. It was a horrid, awful feeling of worthlessness that seemed to consume him whole. 

Lance wasn’t sure what to type. Certainly if he hadn’t been annoying before Keith probably found him annoying now. He knew how much people hated the whole ‘I’m emotionally underdeveloped and I need constant validation that what I am doing is okay’, but he felt powerless to his own self destructive impulses. He wanted to just drop the conversation there and if Keith chased after him that meant Keith didn’t think he was annoying, but if he didn’t then Lance would know what Keith really thought of him.

He set his phone down and took a deep breath, forcing himself to calm down. No, no, that wasn’t fair to Keith or himself. Just because Keith didn’t respond it didn’t mean Keith found Lance annoying. Maybe Keith was just confused by the whole ordeal and thought Lance needed some space or something. It wasn’t right to base that opinion based on whether or not somebody texted him. Lance shouldn’t base his self worth on people anyways. He had a nasty habit of doing just that and he needed to break it. 

He took another breath, then picked up his phone to see Keith had responded.

 

**red panties >>>lastime**

red panties: u ok

lastime: im good im good

lastime: i just needed a minute

lastime: got blind sided by those good old rsd thoughts

red panties: relatable, but replace rsd with bpd

lastime: yeahhh

red panties: but are you okay tho

lastime: yeah im good

lastime: i swear keith im fine

red panties: okok

red panties: we’re still stopping at mcdonalds for u tho

red panties: shiro insists

lastime: i lov him?????

red panties: u love US

lastime: not u

lastime: u can choke

red panties: wow ok

red panties: your usual?

lastime: yes please!!

red panties: mk shiro’s treat btw dont try to pay him back

lastime: he’s already lost an arm tho

red panties: ‘compared to that $6 isnt very much’

lastime: damn ok then, when will you be home

red panties: pretty soon

red panties: then shiro can tell you all about how the doctor made the whole surgery sound even worse

 

**Pidge**

Pidge was sprawled out on her stomach on the bedroom floor, pencils and papers scattered all around her. She had been working on a puzzle book all day. It was one of the ones teachers often use to print out riddles and problem solving activities for their students to do as extra credit. Her brother always brought some home for her whenever he saw one in the store because he knew how much Pidge loved them. Puzzle books were one of the few ways she could tune the rest of the world out and force her mind to completely focus on something other than her thoughts. She wasn’t sure why it gave her this effect, maybe it was just using so much of her brain that there was no room left for anything else. 

This morning she’d woken up and had known it was going to be one of Those™ days, the days where her brain was nothing but black scribbles and a smokey haze. She couldn’t focus on much except the things she didn’t want to think about, so she’d sat down with a big puzzle book and began to work. 

She was tapping the tip of the eraser in thought, trying to deduce which gopher ate which sandwich for lunch when someone tapped gently on her door then opened it. She turned her head at the noise to see her father standing in the doorway carrying a plate of peanut butter cookies and a glass of milk. 

“Dad?” She raised in eyebrow. This was new. Her father’s hip pain usually didn’t allow for him to climb the stairs that often and she hadn’t even known he was home. Wasn’t he supposed to be at work? Instinctively she glanced at her alarm clock. 5:47 PM. “Oh… I’ve been up here all day haven’t I…”

“Your mother said you didn’t even come down for lunch.” He smiled warmly, slowly taking a seat next to her. “So I thought I’d bring you a little something.”

She sat up and took one of the cookies off of the plate. “Thanks dad. I think I just got carried away with my puzzles that I forgot to pay attention to the time.”

“It’s quite alright Katie Cat,” He assured her, using her childhood nickname. For a moment Pidge wasn’t sure whether she wanted to reel back in horror or lean into the sound. She managed a weak smile instead. “That hyper focus you inherit from me.”

That nickname was from a time when everything was so much simpler, a time when her greatest worries were getting good grades and who her parents were going to let choose where they went out to eat at that night. (Her brother always chose the weirdest places to ‘expand his horizons’ but she was pretty sure he was just trying to annoy her) It was from a time before she became a paladin of Voltron, a time before even Kerberos. So much had changed since then that the name felt wrong… yet oddly comforting at the same time. 

“How was work?” She asked taking the milk from him. He let out a sigh and wrapped an arm around her. She let herself relax into his side.

“Dull as always,” He breathed. “But the good news is they are considering me for field work again based on how vital my input is needed, especially now with all the new discoveries of elements found in different planets.”

“You were just liberated from a Galran prisoner of war camp,” She frowned, poking his side gently. Field work meant sending him back into space, and that just wasn’t something she wanted to consider. “I think you should just take it easy for awhile, you know? Stay grounded for a bit.”

“You sound just like your mother,” Her father laughed, squeezing her closer and snatching a cookie. “So worried about space now, but you’ve been up there, you know how beautiful it is and the pull to go back…”

The taste of the cookie turned sour in her mouth at her father’s words. She stared at him in something like disbelief. Beautiful? He thought it was beautiful and there was a pull to go back? How could he saw that?

“Katie?” Her father said in a concerned voice, noticing her change in body language. “Is something wrong?”

“You want to go back.” She murmured quietly. “You want… to go back? Seeing what you saw? Experiencing what you did out there? You’re still in therapy!”

His face softened. “I know it seems impossible to ever want to return there voluntarily. I don’t really blame you for reacting this way, but you’ve got to understand that as a scientist-”

“As a scientist?” She whispered, feeling her throat constrict. This wasn’t the conversation she needed right now. The idea of her father, or Matt, or anybody returning to space horrified her. She didn’t want to be alone again, without a home again. “You’re not just a scientist, dad.”

“I know,” He said gently, pulling her closer. “And I know that your experiences of space and mine are two very different things, but you need to understand that I am not scared of it. You defeated the Galra, and the alliances ensure our protection should we ever want to explore beyond our ozone layer. In fact plans for a joint exploratory mission of a nearby-”

“You’re talking like you’ve already boarded the ship.” She said, louder this time. “What are you trying to tell me?”

Her father let out a soft breath, taking a moment to gather his thoughts. “It’s just… there’s a mission in the works, and I’ve been asked to assist-”

“So you are going back out there?” Pidge croaked out, not sure which emotion she was feeling. Anger? Desperation? Depression? Anxiety? Sadness? Fear? All at once in a clusterfuck of a trauma cocktail? Probably. “How can you go back? I just got home, we just got home. Spend some time with your family for christ’s sake before you go rocketing off to some faraway galaxy and forget all about us!”

“I might not be going,” He sighed, scratching the back of his neck. “I haven’t made a decision yet Katie, and knowing your opposition to it will greatly affect whether or not ago. There are many factors at play here and you and your mother and brother’s emotional wellbeing is big one. You matter to me, but so does the work that I do.”

“If I matter so much then decline the offer,” She managed through gritted teeth. Her face was hot and her breath coming out in short, shallow puffs. She dug her fingers into the carpet, desperate for something to tie her down, to keep her here and not out there. “Don’t go dad, don’t go, please.”

Her voice was so small that it shattered on the last word, devolving into nothing but shuddery sobs.

“I’m sorry for bringing it up baby,” He whispered pulling her close. “I knew it would upset you. I’m sorry.”

She didn’t say anything in response to that, she couldn’t. All she could do was press her face into her father’s chest and force herself to focus on something other than the dark swirling mass of her brain. 

 

**pidgeotto >>>cripple**

pidgeotto: did dad talk to you about the mission he might be doing

cripple: yeah two or three days ago why

pidgeotto: oh

pidgeotto: and you didnt tell me

cripple: i figured youd get upset

cripple: and dad asked me not too

pidgeotto: fair

pidgeotto: and what’s your opinion on it

cripple: i dont know

cripple: him going back into space terrifies me

pidgeotto: me too

pidgeotto: thats why i dont want him to go

cripple: i dont really think he shouldn’t go though pidge

cripple: space and science and exploring new things is his passion

cripple: he loves outer space

cripple: do you know what he told me?

cripple: he feels trapped here, trapped in a green and blue spherical prison and he wants to be free

pidgeotto: so you’re saying he should just return to space.

pidgeotto: and let kerberos happen all over again.

cripple: kerberos wont happen all over again birdie

pidgeotto: and how do you know.

cripple: i think you’re not considering his happiness.

cripple: you’re just trying to keep him here forever

cripple: not everybody hates space like you do

pidgeotto: i dont hate space

pidgeotto: and i dont care if his passion is space

pidgeotto: what should make him happy is his family

cripple: shiro told me what happened

cripple: how you were planning to abandon voltron to come find us

pidgeotto: yeah?

pidgeotto: and?

cripple: you’d damn the rest of the universe for your family

pidgeotto: my family comes first. 

pidgeotto: i actually care about my father

pidgeotto: fucking stone me i guess

cripple: i care about him too you know

cripple: i want him to be safe

cripple: but i also want him to be happy

pidgeotto: then you dont fucking love him the way i do

 

**pidgeotto >>>red panties**

pidgeotto: hey

red panties: what’s wrong

pidgeotto: why do you just assume something’s wrong

red panties: you never start a conversation with just ‘hey’

red panties: its always ‘hey asswipe’ or something offending like that

pidgeotto: well geez i didnt know i was so mean

pidgeotto: guess ill just stop talking lol

pidgeotto: since i make people unhappy

pidgeotto: lol

red panties: pidge??

red panties: i didnt mean it like that

red panties: pidge please dont leave me on read

red panties: pidge dont

red panties: oh my god your status is a '?'

red panties: ...

red panties: DID YOU JUST FUCKING BLOCK ME

 

**red panties >>>lastime**

red panties: five minutes out

red panties: and pidge just fucking blocked me

lastime: what??

lastime: why???

red panties:  **sent a screenshot**

lastime: oh my god…

lastime: are you okay

lastime: Keith?

red panties: no.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> B)  
> im in finals hell and all my friends hate me so i channeled into this chapter haha

**Author's Note:**

> send me anons @ilovechickensofttacos on tumblr


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